And once again it is Monday, and time for another list update. This list comes courtesy of a chemistry professor, who would like to not be named because it might interfere with getting tenure later.
(Submitted by Professor Anonymous)
1) Chemical burns are not badges of honor.
2) Yes, as a matter of fact, my dry ice privileges can be revoked
3) Should not refer to teaching a freshman course as “destruct testing the lab”.
4) “Design and build a still” is not an acceptable extra-credit assignment.
5) Telling students that harmless chemicals are poisonous is an inappropriate way to encourage lab safety habits.
6) Telling students that poisonous chemicals are harmless is an inappropriate way to avoid grading their lab reports.
7) Cannot reheat my lunch using a furnace, Bunsen burner or laser.
8) No one in the lab is named Igor, so I had better stop talking to him.
9) Movie star sunglasses are not an acceptable replacement for safety goggles.
10) Not allowed to add food coloring and dry ice to my experiments, to make them green and bubbly. Unless the Dean is visiting.
11) I may not wear such a short skirt that it looks like I am going commando under my lab coat. Unless the Dean is visiting.
12) It’s okay to invent technobabble to impress the Dean. It’s not okay to use technobabble from Star Trek.
13) I had better have a good reason for saying any of the following:
*Where’s the fire extinguisher?
14) There is no good reason for maniacal laughter.
15) I am allowed to dress as a mad scientist on Halloween. Not when potential donors are touring the labs.
16) Excessive radiation exposure will not turn me into a superhero. It will turn me into a corpse.
17) Monty Python references have no place in my lab notebook.
18) I am not a “lolscientist” and thus have no excuse for being “in ur suply clozet, stealin ur glaswar”.
19) Cannot use unnecessary Radiation signs to keep students out of my lab and away from delicate equipment.
20) Cannot tell students that real Radiation signs are just there to keep people out.
21) Cannot place Biohazard signs in the restroom or the break room fridge.
22) It is my fault that the biochemists didn’t get the joke and started storing biological samples in the break room fridge. I now owe the department a new fridge.
23) My warning sign privileges have been revoked.