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Archive for October, 2008

I Know What They Were Thinking

Friday, October 17th, 2008

With Skippy talking about road trips and such things it brings to mind that there are several places out there with some sort of attention grabbing gimmick. Some are things like dinosaurs in front of gas stations, others are simply the names of the place. Below are a few names I have come across (and their locations when I can remember them) in my travels. All of these places are reputable places of business that are not what their names imply.

  1. Skinny Dick’s Halfway Inn (Alaska) (Hotel and Lounge)
  2. Grandma’s Shaved Beaver (Washington) (A restaurant specializing in local game animals)
  3. St. Louis Steel Erection (Missouri) (Construction company)
  4. Hore’s House (British Columbia) (Bed and Breakfast)
  5. The Notty Shop (Alaska) (A souvenir shop and Ice Cream/coffee bar)
  6. Knockin’ Boots (Oklahoma) (Obviously it’s a custom boot maker)

And then there are of course the message boards. You have probably seen several of them that when taken out of context would be extremely naughty. Probably the most famous one is a church sign with the message “The most powerful position in the world is on your knees.” There are many others and here are just a few that I have seen:

  1. On a taxidermists shop: “Father’s Day Special – Wives, bring ’em in and we’ll skin and stuff ’em for you!”
  2. On a sign shared by a grocery store and lingerie shop: “Special Half Off Sale! Come see our melons!”
  3. On a sign in the middle of a desert: “Caution! No Water Ahead!”
  4. On a church sign: “Laying on your back and yelling “Oh My God” is not the same as going to Church.”

And finally, as I was driving off a military installation there was a sign that simply said “Speed Hump Ahead,” not even 25 feet later there were two deer going at it hot and heavy. This distracted me so much that I actually bottomed out the back end of my truck and the actual speed hump. At http://www.bantuhealth.org/levitra-generic-buy/ you can purchase generic Levitra professional Vardenafil 20mg.

Please feel free to add as many places and names as you would like to this!

Random Relationship Advice

Thursday, October 16th, 2008

A young man recently asked me for some advice regarding women.  I decided to jot down what I came up with, in case anyone else needed help.

1) There is a thing called “Thread Count”.  It’s printed on the package that sheets come in.  Evidently this number is a way women can use to quantify your both your intelligence and sexual orientation.  If the number is too low, then you will be assumed to be too stupid to have sex with.  But if it too high, you will be assumed to be gay.  It’s basically dating blackjack.

2) If you ever wind up cohabitating with a woman, you will probably have opinions about how the place should be decorated.  Your opinions are wrong.  You should train yourself to stop having them.

3) On that note, everything you own will be thrown away, or at the very least placed into storage.  They will be replaced with a wicker basket full of crap.  Women are kind of retarded for wicker baskets full of crap.

4) Chocolate is your friend.  Chocolate has chemicals in it which simulate the effect of being loved, at least according to Al Pacino in “The Devil’s Advocate”.  I’m too lazy to look that up right now, so I’m just going to assume he was being straight with me.

Whatever the case, chocolate is basically an emergency pressure bandage for your relationship.  Try to always have some of the good stuff where you can get to it rapidly.  I suspect that a woman created Easter, simply because it features chocolate, in a wicker basket.

4) If she’s angry with you for something that seems inconsequential, chances are she is angry about something else.  It might be something some other guy from her past did.  Even though she’s not going to tell you what it is, she will punish you until you correctly guess and fix it.

5) Buy a DVR.  This way when she wants to talk to you when you are watching something, you can pause it.  Because she is definitely going to want to talk to you about something while you are watching TV.  A lot.  And if you don’t stop watching it then she will believe that you love football more than her.  And while that might be true, if you admit it you won’t get any sex for a very long time.

6) If she asks you if you if you were planning to wear that, then you weren’t.

7) When she is trying to make a selection between several different options, and she asks you which one you like best, do not make the rookie mistake of telling her.  She doesn’t care which one you like best.  She wants you to guess the one that she likes best.

8) You have no opinions as to the link between applied textiles and visual mass.

The end of the world as we know it….

Wednesday, October 15th, 2008

With only three weeks until the presidential election, herbal I want to urge all my readers to choose wisely on November 4, because the next president we choose will be our last one. The world is going to end.

As one reader commented recently, the Mayan calendar calls out the date for our doom — Dec. 23, 2012. I know some people who are worried, because, carved in stone, the Mayans had the most accurate calendar of any in the ancient world.

I myself am holding out hope there’s a second rock they haven’t found yet — a rock that picks up on Dec. 24 and continues. Maybe the sculptor ran out of room on rock one. He was just chiseling away.

“Aww… dammit!”

“What’s the matter now?”

“I wanted to finish this our through 2012, and I thought I had room for eight more days.”

“Well, start over.”

“Start over? Are you crazy? This thing is due tomorrow!”

“That’s what you get for waiting until the last minute to complete your projects.”

“That’s really unhelpful right now, thank you.”

“Maybe you can make another one, like part two?”

“Are you kidding? I’m not about to chisel out another thousand years’ worth of days. My arms are tired.”

“Maybe in the future you’ll carve your ideas out on scratch rocks first.”

And now we’re all panicked over a spatial relations error.

I understand some people aren’t that interested in discussing the Mayans, so I’ll change the subject.


The most famous Aztec emperor was Montezuma, and he left us the legacy of his name as a euphemism for diarrhea– Montezuma’s Revenge.

That is really immature. How’d that guy get to be emperor?

“Your majesty, the Conquistadors have arrived. They bring guns, germs and steel. It appears they mean business.”

“Well then, we shall send them a little peace offering. Hector, prepare the special brownies. We shall give them the shits!”

And they didn’t accept the peace offering, so Montezuma had to give his big Braveheart-style pre-battle speech.

“Men, we prepare today for a battle that we cannot win. We are outgunned, outgermed, out steeled. Our language, our culture, our homes will in all likelihood be wiped off the map. Our children killed, our wives raped. All future generations will know of us is how much we liked gold because that’s all the Spaniards are keeping. Still, we must fight with the ferocity of the jaguar, because if there is one thing they cannot destroy it is our honor… But first, let’s all go take a dump in the river. They will suck of our turdwater for a thousand years!”

A Public Service Announcement

Tuesday, October 14th, 2008

Every now and then I feel moved to offer advice in situations where children are involved. I personally don’t have any children, but my own memories as a child occasionally provide insight as to why a particular course of action may or may not be a good idea.

For example, I once told a co-worker that her boyfriend-of-one-month’s reluctance to introduce her to his daughter probably was not a sign that he was ashamed of her. Rather, he might want to make sure their relationship was serious before bringing her into his daughter’s life.

My experience? As a child of divorced parents, I remember meeting several of my father’s girlfriends and really, really liking them, only to be crushed when they broke up a few weeks later.
So, here I am to offer some advice about raising children, based on my personal experience as a child:
Don’t force your very small child to watch a movie that’s obviously scaring the shit of them. Otherwise, your child will grow up to blame you for their bad subculture choices.

And now for my experience, just so you know I’m not talking out of my ass.

To start, let me just say that I love my mother, and at the end of the day, she was a pretty good parent. However, her one major screw-up resulted in me wasting my high school years as a Goth.
When I was a wee lass, my brother visited a friend who lived about an hour’s drive away from our home. Because he lived so far away that they couldn’t hang out more often, the plan was that my mother would pick my brother up late that night. Which meant I had to go with her, because no sane parent would leave their child alone for hours, and my mother was a sane parent (or so I thought). As a result, I got to stay up past my bedtime, since my mother rationalized that it would be easier to let me sleep in the car than putting me to bed, then waking me back up.

Also that night was the television premier of Aliens. My brother, being a stereotypical pre-teen male, really wanted to see it, but, as I said before, he was at a friend’s. That’s no problem in our house, though, because our mother is a SF-Fantasy junkie. (Seriously. She went to see X-Men all by herself not because she was even remotely familiar with the comic books, but because she heard the words “mutants,” “super-powers” and “Patrick Stewart” used in the same sentence). So, my mother decides to tape Aliens for my brother, and then sits down to watch it herself.

About two hours later, I’m that special kind of loopy that only comes from being really, really tired. Light-headed, cranky, maybe a little spaced out. I especially remember feeling that the hallucinations package was an option my brain was considering for the rock-bottom price of consuming another hundred calories of sugar.

Meanwhile, I was also pretty bored. So, I went to check out what my mother was doing.
My mother was in our finished basement with all the lights turned out, sitting—I shit you not—six inches away from the television. It was the scene where the camera focused on the alien queen, her mouth opens, the little tongue comes out and another mouth opens, all complete with slime dripping off every available surface.

This was the most disgusting thing I’d seen in my short life. So much so that I was convinced I was going to puke. I went to run into the laundry room to hurl in the sink, when my mother—without even looking at me—grabs my wrist and jerks me back to her side.

“No, watch it with me,” she whispered in a voice reminiscent of the demon in The Exorcist, her eyes bright with glee from the mayhem on the screen.

In that instant, my beloved mother became about a thousand times more scary than the film itself, the last fifteen minutes of which I was forced to watch, à la Alex in A Clockwork Orange.

Fast-forward about ten years. I am now a teenage Goth, full of piss and vinegar, convinced that I am where Humanity went wrong.

A friend and I decided the best way to freak out the Squares was to wander into the local Sharper Image (also, this was when the Sharper Image carried cool stuff, like little Porsche go-karts, instead of just the Ionic Air Purifiers and “personal massagers”). In the entryway was a life-sized statue of Giger’s Xenomorph, and that’s when it all came flooding back.

The Queen’s little tongue-mouth. Bishop ripped in half, snot-colored android guts spilling out of his torso. My mother’s Regan MacNeil impression.

And that’s when I realized I had been so mentally scarred that my brain and repressed the memory of a goddamn B-grade horror movie.

Meanwhile, I had coped with the trauma by turning myself into a pathetic little wanna-be vampire who really didn’t like herself all that much. I thought it was hormones, and I would just grow out of it like everyone promised, but no, my mother had done this to me.

My obsession with death and black lipstick and leather collars with spikes was all my mother’s fault.
As soon as I went home, I marched up to my mother and laid the accusation. How could she do that to me, her little baby girl?

“Well, I was scared.”

Two Lists! It’s a Monday Morning Miracle!

Monday, October 13th, 2008

(Submitted by SPC Craig Gauthier)

– Not allowed to water the SGM’s flowers with Round Up.
– When making Anti-Coalition propaganda “White Devil” is not an acceptable phrase… Even if the COG thinks its funny.
– Not allowed to use “real” pictures of dead people
– I am not the white Missy Elliot
– Not allowed to use dairy dry-shakes to convince Iraqi kids that Americans eat their own cum
KATUSAs are not my personal play things
– Not allowed to tell the KATUSAs where all the whore houses are
– Not allowed to tell privates that if they want to get promoted they have to “pleasure” the 1SG.
– Not allowed to tell KATUSAs sexually deviant things like what “playing swords” is.
– There is a reason new KATUSAs are scared… I should not prey on this (even if I CAN smell their fear).
– Not allowed to “tag” memorandums that I don’t agree with, with “WOLVERINES!!!”
– Not allowed to paint training claymores green
– Not allowed to paint live claymores blue
– My name is not Buck, and I am not here to fuck
– Especially not when there are female soldiers around
– No longer allowed to voice my opinions during EO training
– Especially if it deals with racism or religion
– Not allowed to tell 1SG exactly what I think of his board questions
– Everyone knows that I am 11B, I don’t need to remind them that they are inferior quite so often
– The 4187 for overtime pay was funny… until it reached the Commandant’s desk
– The supply request for midget hookers was not.
– Not allowed to post pictures around camp of senior NCOs and label them “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.” Especially if its blatant sarcasm.
– Not allowed out of my office, except to smoke, and only under supervision, when there is anyone brigade level or higher on camp.
– An eleven row and some IEDs are not the solution to Korea’s traffic problems
– Not allowed to hand superiors over to the KPA
– Not allowed to defect to KPA
– Not allowed to tell people I’m taking a military vehicle to crash it, just because “I’ve had it with this place”
– Not allowed to tell the SGLs just how jacked up and lazy they are
– Not allowed to give the BNCOC instructors a piece of my mind
– There is no reason to see if any problem at the academy is Internet porn related
– Not allowed to wear a demon mask when attacking bluefor
– Not allowed to carry a lightsaber during rotations
– Not allowed to strap C4 to a goat and send it into bluefor’s FOB
– Using cigarette butts to “silence” my weapon is cheating (It actually works, stuff a butt down your barrel with your BFA. The bolt is louder than the blank. 1 for an M4, 2 for a SAW)
– It is true that a speed limit sign is the standard. However exceeding the speed limit, and exceeding the standard are not the same. Especially in a GOV.
– Not allowed to sing “Its Raining Men” in the office.

Bonus: Things Craig is not allowed to do now that he is married:

1. Must not show testicles to random people
2. Especially if they can have an effect on my employment status
3. Not allowed to publicly embarrass my wife
4. Not allowed to publicly embarrass my wife and post the video on Youtube.
5. No hiding cameras in the bedroom.
6. The bedroom is not a porn studio.
7. “Who’s the Devil?” is no longer my favorite game.
8. “My rifle needs a shiny new buttstock”, is not a valid reason to access the savings account.
9. My Mother in law does not form the head of a giant Anti-Christ Battle Robot.
10. My wife is not a tool to “fix” speeding tickets.
11. My computer is not a “Digital Porn Compression Center”.
12. “Guess what I just did” will probably lead to an argument.
13. “What money” = Wrong answer.
14. My wife has no need for a pistol, and I should stop insisting that she does.
15. She doesn’t need a shotgun either.
16. My wife has neither the time nor inclination to hear my performance map for my car (again).
17. I should just assume that my wife will not understand “What the fuck I’m talking about”, so I should just keep my mouth shut
18. Its not funny when my wife cries.
19. Especially if its over something stupid.
20. Our (Future) children are not here solely for my entertainment.
21. Nor are they lab rats.
22. A shock collar does not constitute a playpen.
23. I will not threaten the kids with “Being sent to the soccer ball factory”.
24. Red bull and Chocolate bars is not the key to effective child labor.
25. Not allowed to sponsor “Ductape/Wifflebat Deathmatches” with our children.
26. Or the neighbor’s children.
27. There are no child-eating trolls in the woods.
28. Being put in the dumpster is not an acceptable punishment.
29. I can not trade my wife for a larger turbo.
30. Cannot offer sexual favors on my wife’s behalf, in exchange for high priced items from D.S. ARMS.
31. I am neither the Alpha nor Omega.
32. My penis is not nearly as big as I think it is.
33. Nor do I know how to use it.
34. The dinner table is not a place for firearms.
35. We do not need a shotgun rack on the bed.
36. Guinness and a smoke is no longer a breakfast option.
37. A couple six packs, some ten-sided dice, and a character sheet does not constitute family time.
38. I AM in fact gay for liking D&D.
39. Country music is not grounds for suicide, and I should stop suggesting it is.
40. Not allowed to convince my sister-in-law to kill herself.
41. Even if the world WOULD in fact be a better place.
42. Just because my sister-in-law is a loser, as well as her sperm-donor, it does not mean their children should be culled from the gene pool.
43. Not allowed to chemically neuter myself with Twinkies and Mountain Dew.
44. Just because my sister-in-law has not lost the baby fat, lives at home, and has no job, does not mean I should call INS and tell them my mother in law is hiding an Ethiopian in her house.
45. My wife’s dog is not Smeagol with fur.
46. Making a small dog so frightened of me (without ever touching it) that it pees as soon as it sees me, should not be a point of pride.
47. I am not nearly as scary as I would like people to think I am.
48. “I can’t wait to tell the guys”, may or may not result in sleeping on the couch. So I should be VERY careful how I use this phrase.
49. My wife has NOT been smoking crack.
50. In the rare event that my wife’s girlier tendencies manifest, I should not use them as a tool for teasing at a later date.
51. My “I’d rather be masturbating” T-shirt is not acceptable “Dinner with the in laws” attire.
52. I am no longer allowed to dress myself.
53. It goes the speed limit and it does as its told.
54. I am no longer allowed to end any sentence to my wife with “… and it does as its told’.
55. Nor “…or it gets the fire hose”.
56. I am not allowed to buy a fire hose.
57. Silence of the Lambs is NOT funny.
58. My wife CAN AND WILL kick my “bony ass”.
59. Despite what the army tells me, its not rape, even if I DO say no (3am on a duty night).
60. Barn yard animal noises in the bedroom is NOT sexy.
61. I am NOT a sheep, and I do not need lovin’ too.
62. I am not “The Black Britney Spears”.
63. Yelling at other drivers is not a healthy expression of emotion.
64. When my wife’s car breaks down my immediate response is now “Are you okay, hun?”. Not “You should have bought a Honda”.
65. My wife cannot set people on fire.
67. Even if she IS Wiccan.
68. I cannot fight crime with novelty items.
69. Not allowed to go looking for toys my wife has taken from me.
70. Just because my wife is going to be a cop does not mean I can do anything I want.
71. Walking into a cop bar and announcing “I smell bacon!”, is counter productive.
72. The Wiccan symbol tattooed on my wife’s lower back is NOT a tramp stamp.
73. I should not try to prove my point by singing tramp stamp to the tune of “Love Shack”.
74. Under no circumstances am I to attempt to sing.
75. Especially if I’ve been drinking.
76. Guinness is not God’s personal gift to me. Therefor I am not angering him by not drinking it everyday.
77. My wife’s KIA is not “The Devil’s Tool”.
78. My children will NOT eat their way out of the womb
79. My wife does in fact wear the pants.

What an Air Force TDY Report SHOULD Look Like

Friday, October 10th, 2008

The names in the following memo have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent. Please understand, sick this is for humor purposes only, ampoule and is not a serious report.

MEMORANDUM FOR:  Major Big High Guy

FROM:   The drunk fool in Hawaii
SUBJECT:  After Actions Report
1. TYPE OF OPERATION:  Goat Rope Boondogle & some real work.
2. DATE OF OPERATION:  21 Sept 08 thru 27 Sept 08 (21 Sept and 27 Sept reserved as travel days).
3. LOCATION: Mary’s House of Pasties, remedy Waikiki Police station, Madame Ho’s Massage facility. Hawaii.
4. CONTROL HEADQUARTERS:  I Love This Bar & Grill
5. UNITS INVOLVED:  A couple of units that I can’t remember, Big Island Liquor.
6. SUPPORTING FORCES:  Dukes den of Tattoo’s.
7. CONCEPT OF OPERATION:  In conjunction with the Local Unit  and the Other Local Unit personnel, MSgt John Wayne and SrA James Jones performed troubleshooting and functional testing of some equipment they didn’t know how to use and Microsoft Solitare system long-haul connectivity between Hawaii, and somewhere in MO.  The idea was then to find ways to justify an additional 4 days on the island to get at tan
8. EXECUTION:  Daily entries made in lieu of a Master Station Log.
Travel day and arrival at Waikiki, HI – 21 September 2008.
Day 1 – (Monday, September 22, 2008).  Slept, woke up and surfed porn, slept some more. At noon went to beach and slept. Woke up, applied coconut oil, slept. Woke up, ate snack, drank dinner, surfed porn, slept.
Day 2 – (Tuesday, September 23, 2008).  Met with and discussed further firewall procedures and technologies with SSgt Smart Guy and SSgt. Other Smart Guy.  Meanwhile, TSgt Bob back at home did some actual work to configure the Missouri firewall. SSgt Hard Worker and SSgt New Guy powered up and configured the highly advance and confusing systems.  Network traffic was then monitored on the firewalls to determine actual utilization.  An additional port was discovered in the firewalls logs as specifically required for connectivity between Missouri and Hawaii.  That port was then added to the firewall Service Groups.   Once network activity was confirmed, we worked for another 5 minutes before leaving the building.  After that hour, went back to beach, slept, drank, got sand kicked on face by Japanese tourist girl, went to hotel and surfed porn.
Day 3 – (Wednesday, September 24, 2008).  Called Missouri to make sure everything was working and stayed an extra day, “Just in case”.  Hung up phone, surfed porn. MSgt. Wayne went scuba diving, SrA Jones went looking for Tattoo parlor he found while surfing porn.  Drank, slept.
Day 4 – (Thursday, September 25, 2008).  SSgt Other Smart Guy continued with the overview and demonstration of the highly technical and confusing systems applications and theory of operation.  While SSgt. Rocket Scientist worked, MSgt. Wayne went scuba diving againg and SrA Jones drank heavily wishing he had not visited the tattoo parlor. Ate dinner, drank, surfed porn, slept some more.
Day 5 – (Friday, September 26, 2008).  Return flight to Missouri Got drunk, slept.
Day 6 – (Saturday, September 27, 2008).   Arrive at HOR early morning, drank, surfed porn, slept.


OVERALL TRAINING:  Good training opportunity for firewall configuration. Maybe next time can take advantage of it. Opportunities existed to learn stuff we will never ever use. Maybe next time can take advantage of it .  UTC qualification and proficiency on firewalls was signed off anyway to make it look good.

OPERATIONS:  The TDY really Rocked!



Hawaii AFB POC Information:
Networks – SSgt Smart Guy
Networks – SSgt Other Smart Guy
Confusing System – SrA LowManOn TotemPole
Highly Advanced Chat Room Director – SSgt Rocket Scientist


Scuba Equipment
Sun Tan Lotion


With the information gleaned from this trip, Network Technicians Wayne and Jones will be able to more rapidly and accurately take advantage of further TDYs to exotic and remote locations around the world.


Addendum 1 – Total cost of trip including reimbusement for special requirements $41,519.41 to be paid in full by American Tax Payers.

Notes From My Trip

Thursday, October 9th, 2008

These are some notes and observations that I jotted down during my recent car trip.

1)In Missouri there is a restaurant called “Skippy’s”.  The sign by the highway made no mention about whether or not they served Panda.  I wanted to check it out, but my wife wouldn’t let us stop there.   She seemed to be afraid that I would do something weird.  To be fair, she only believes that because she has years of experience dealing with me.

2)If you have to travel long distance with small pets, you should probably keep a water bottle handy, to make sure that you can always refill their dish and keep them hydrated.

3) You should probably not keep the water bottle next to your bottle of Vault energy drink.

4) Ferrets just fucking love Vault energy drink.

5) Just past the Arizona/New Mexico border there is an adult cabaret with a giant plastic cow on the roof.  I am very curious as to the train of thought that led the owners to believe that this was a sound marketing decision.

6) Somebody in Oklahoma decided to make a combination Indian restaurant and truck stop.  Evidently there are a sizable amount of  Indian truckers in this country.  I know that this probably makes me a bad person, but I keep imagining Smokey and the Bandit, recast with Apu instead of Jerry Reed.  Matt Groening could probably make a Simpson episode out of that called “Far-Eastbound and Down”.

7) Since our cat is used to doing his business outside, and was going to be cooped up in a car for a few days, my wife thought it would be a good idea to get a leash so she could take him for a walk while having a pit stop.  So she acquired what looked like some sort of kitty bondage harness, and strapped him in. Mr Kitty did not share her enthusiasm for this plan.  It was remarkably like trying to walk a small angry chainsaw.

8 ) Eight.  I forgot what eight was for.

9) I discovered that there is a Midwestern chain of gas stations whose mascot is a dinosaur.  That seems kind of morbid to me.  Kind of like using a cow to advertise a burger joint, or a small child to advertise a seminary school.

10) Early in the trip we noticed that some gas stations had up signs, advertising the cleanliness of their restrooms.  We joked about that, speculating how the bathrooms must look at a place that didn’t advertise.  Until we stopped at such a place.  Those signs stopped being funny pretty damn quick.

Drills, Steel and a Quick Trip to La La Land

Wednesday, October 8th, 2008

When reading this try to think late 70’s early 80’s educational video.

“So, you want to learn how to drill through steel huh?” (Mute video actor smiles and nods head vigorously.) “Do you have a drill?” (Nods again holding up acme super-drill.) “And do you have some steel?” (Nods and points to a M-1 Abrams parked a short distance away.) “Good! You are now ready to learn how to drill through steel!” (Actor smiles and pumps arm as if screaming Woo Hoo!) “But before you learn how to drill through steel, remember…. Safety first! Always wear eye protection.” (Actor puts on over-sized safety goggles.)

“Now then, first we will show you how not to drill through steel.” (Now picture me standing there with a 19.4V battery operated drill in hand) “When drilling, it is NOT a good idea to use a dull bit. It is also not a good idea to get frustrated with the dull bit and drill at maximum speed.” (Now picture me trying to drill through said steel with the drill at its highest speed setting slowly drilling through the steel.) “When you start punching through the steel always slow down your bit, otherwise it will probably catch at the last possible second.” (Watch in slow motion as the drill bit catches and the drill twists 360 degrees while I’m still holding it. My forearm twists as far as it will go, and my wrist completes the full revolution.) “This can cause injury to the wrist, forearm and shoulder if you are not careful.”

That is basically what happened, in my mind at least, and the narrators voice was probably added by the pain killers the doctor gave me. I was working with a co-worker at the time and he heard a distinct pop from my wrist. He quickly cleaned up the work site and took me to the hospital where the x-rays showed several hairline and minor fractures to every bone in my wrist. There were also hairline fractures on my forearm and stress fractures in my shoulder.

Needless to say my boss wasn’t happy. The next day at work he brought in an expert to show us how to properly drill through steel and during the lecture even managed not to look directly at me. I spent 6 weeks in a cast and immobilizing sling, and 4 weeks in La La Land due to the pain killers. The boss was able to laugh about it after about a week and dubbed me “Oliver” (as in Oliver “Twist”).

Walk It Off

Tuesday, October 7th, 2008

Being deployed for over six months is way too long.  Being deployed for over six months in 130 degree, symptoms | dry heat with no running water, is fucking criminal and should only happen to murderers and rapists.  And when I say that, I’m talking about people who have committed BOTH murder and rape, not just one or the other.

Having been in these horrendous conditions for so long, you can imagine how excited I was to see rain for the first time.  I look outside, and see that it is raining pretty hard, so I think to myself, “I haven’t had a good shower in a long time”.  So I grab my soap, and I run outside bare-assed and jump up on top of one of my tanks.  The rain is pouring down on me, and I’m soaping up and just loving every minute of this “natural” cleansing process.

I so wish the story ended there.  So I get my entire body all lathered up, and I’m ready to just let the rain hit me and wash it all away.  Instead, right at the moment, the rain stops abruptly.  So here I am, standing on top of my tank, butt-naked with soap all over my body.  I had to jump down off of the tank, walk back into the building, and up to my room in those exact conditions.  I guess this has brought a brand new meaning to the phrase, “Walk of Shame”.

Another Job List

Monday, October 6th, 2008

Well all my life I’ve been a jack of all trades. I’ve worked for carnivals, haunted houses and rodeos (yes, I was the clown). I’ve been a carpenter, electrician and mason. I’ve worked fisheries, fishing boats and spent a season doing America’s deadliest job (Alaska Crab Fishing). But in all of these jobs I don’t think I had as much fun as when I was a Satellite and Wireless Internet installer. Every morning my team would get together and the office manager would come out and lecture us on the days jobs, and what was wrong with yesterday. Here are a few excerpts: (I will list the numbers that apply directly to me at the end)

  1. It is not OK to shoot a kid with an AirSoft gun, while working.
  2. Even if the kid was shooting you first.
  3. It is not OK to tell the police the accelerator was “stuck” and you were “unsticking” it while driving a company vehicle.
  4. It is not OK to use the terms spectrothermal “anal”yzer, pig snoot, three-eyed cancer hazard when describing the feed horns on a satellite dish.
  5. It is not OK to drill four, one inch diameter holes in a rude customers wall to run a quarter inch thick cable to the back of the TV.
  6. It is not OK to throw heavy objects from a roof and tell young children to “catch!”
  7. When taking your lunch on the roof of a customers home it is not OK to tease the pet rottweiler with your food.
  8. It is not OK to help your customer get revenge on his neighbor by putting a 14 foot tall motorized dish right outside the bedroom window of his neighbors house.
  9. It is not OK to offer free additional channels in exchange for sex, especially when you aren’t the one who activates those channels.
  10. It is not OK to tell a customer that the microwave receiving plate is “harmless unless you are within 100 feet of it, in any direction, for more than a few minutes at a time,” then mount it to the roof right above their bedroom.
  11. If you are going to fall off a roof, try to land somewhere soft, other than the customer’s favorite pet.
  12. While climbing towers do not “test” the safety harness by tying yourself off and jumping off the tower.
  13. Microwave receiving/transmitting plates are not Frisbees.
  14. It is not OK to beat a customer over the head and shoulders with a fishing pole.
  15. It is not OK to beat a customer over the head and shoulders with a foam pool noodle.
  16. It is not OK to challenge a customer to a duel. They might just accept.
  17. It is not OK to tell a customer “Don’t worry, I’m a professional” and then open a can of beer.
  18. It is not OK to have beer at any work site, unless said work site is a bar and you aren’t drinking it.
  19. When a police officer pulls you over it is not OK to tell him to “bugger off and mind your own business.”
  20. When climbing a tower with a ladder, use the ladder. Also it is not OK to race your coworker up the outside of the tower while he climbs the ladder.
  21. When in a cherry picker with a coworker it is NOT OK to see how far you can make the bucket rock. Especially if your coworker is afraid of heights.
  22. It is not OK to beat up a coworker for, literally, scaring the piss out of you.
  23. It is not OK to break your wrist while drilling through steel, at work.

I was the direct cause of 1, 2, 4, 10, 14, 19, 20, 21, 22 and 23. I was the coworker pissing my pants in 21. I did however have a lot of fun, and would do it all again if it wasn’t for the lawsuit. But that is another story….