God Bless Technology

October 29th, 2008 by Andrew

Don’t you just love voice automated systems, error messaging services, and all the other technology out there so that people no longer have to talk to actual people? Well what happens when you get a particularly dumb or literal person on the other end of technology?

Example:

Person dials a number on a phone. Three raising tones and then: “We’re sorry. The number you have dialed has been disconnected or is no longer in service. Please hang up and try again.” Person hangs up and dials the same number. Three raising tones and then: “We’re sorry. The number you have dialed has been disconnected or is no longer in service. Please hang up and try again.” Person hangs up and dials the same number. Three raising tones and then: “We’re sorry. The number you have dialed has been disconnected or is no longer in service. Please hang up and try again.” Ad infinitum.

Or the instructions that become so famous I need only mention them and most of America knows of which I’m talking. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Well what happens if you get stuck on the repeat part? Are you doomed to a lifetime of showering and washing? And even worse is the conditioner. Lather, let stand 2-5 minutes, rinse, repeat. So now there is the 2-3 minutes of standing in the shower added in the mix. Aigh!

Then you have the directions that seem to be arguing with themselves: “To open package, carefully cut open with shark knife or scissors.” followed by big bold letters “DO NOT OPEN USING SHARP OBJECTS!” Make up your mind will you?!?

And everyone’s favorite, the directions and warnings so obvious that you know someone had to do it for them to put the warning on there. Like the warning on a hair dryer: “Warning: Do not use while in the shower!” Duh!

Well I thought I’d keep this short, and let you all put your favorites in here, so feel free to contribute.

Here is a short list of a few of my personal favorites:

Found on a chainsaw: “Do not use as a Halloween prop! Can cause real dismemberment!”
Found on a toaster: “Do not use to heat Pop Tarts as fire may occur!” (BTW: There is a basis for this! Search YouTube or Google for “Strawberry PopTart Toaster Fire” as I found it rather awesome)
Found on Microwave: “Do not use to dry small pets!” (though sometimes I wish I could use it to “dry” my neighbors chihuahua who pees and craps all over my back porch)
Found on bottle of massage oil: “Do not use as personal lubricant. Do not use on waterbeds as injury or suffocation may occur!” Just below this warning is a picture of a person UNDERNEATH the waterbed mattress.
Found in a 9mm Baretta 92F instruction manual: “Do not look down barrel and squeeze trigger!”
Found on Army mortar round: “Do not hit with hammer!”
Found on a Peanut container: “Contains nuts!”
Found on a box of matches: “Caution! Flammable!”
Warning sign near volcano: “Caution! Do not touch flowing lava! Contact with lava may cause burns or death!”
On a Holmes Bathroom Heather (it’s actual name!): “Caution! this product is not to be used in bathrooms!”

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 29th, 2008 at 10:30 pm and is filed under Andrew, Guest Story. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

KoutetsuKaigun Says:
October 30th, 2008 at 1:40 am

“To open package, carefully cut open with shark knife or scissors.”
…
I want a shark knife

Captcha: but Sheppard
Need I say more?

Stickfodder reply on October 30th, 2008 12:12 pm:

I remember the first knife my dad gave me. I needed a knife to open the packaging.

ilmari Says:
October 30th, 2008 at 3:19 am

Actually #7 is “Caution: may contain nuts”, which is perfectly reasonable, since peanuts are legumes (like peas), and someone who’s allergic to nuts can eat them just fine. Unless they’ve been contaminated by “real” nuts processed in the same factory, which is why the warning is there.

Draco reply on October 30th, 2008 4:39 am:

Yeah, but I’ve seen bags of walnuts, almonds, pecans, pistachios, etc… that ALSO say “May contain nuts” or “Caution: Contains nuts” (same with candy bars that go on about the nut content) and I’ve seen peanut jars that say “Caution: Contains peanuts”.

#7 is still, ultimately, valid.

Billy reply on October 30th, 2008 9:40 am:

I also found a jar of peanuts that had the warning “caution, made on equipment that processes peanuts and tree nuts, may contain peanuts and tree nuts.”

James reply on November 4th, 2008 1:45 pm:

I win, having seen on a bag of walnuts
“Warning: May contain traces of nuts”

pray, what else is there?

Stephanie Says:
October 30th, 2008 at 5:51 am

My favorite was on a hammer. “Do not use to strike metal objects”

nicole Says:
October 30th, 2008 at 6:21 am

i’ve seen on a hair dryer “caution: do not use underwater”
captcha: Eternal planning

4srs Says:
October 30th, 2008 at 7:13 am

Oh lawsuits. You make products so much funnier.

Really I just wanted to post the captcha here:

“Johnson long”
Oh that one’s too easy.

eskimojack Says:
October 30th, 2008 at 7:49 am

in yukon chainsaws read “do not attempt to stop chain with hands or genitals”

paula reply on October 30th, 2008 8:28 am:

wouldn’t you just LOVE to know the story behind THAT message?!?

captcha: interfere de-
“what’s interferin’ with my chainsaw?”

eskimojack reply on October 31st, 2008 12:01 pm:

no kidding eh?

BarmanVarn Says:
October 30th, 2008 at 8:39 am

One of my favorites, as seen on a push-style lawn mower: “WARNING: Do not use to trim bushes or hedges”

Dave Van Domelen Says:
October 30th, 2008 at 9:13 am

For every stupid warning label, there’s a stupider person who got hurt doing what you’re warned about. :) Sadly, they rarely have the consideration to remove themselves from the genepool before having kids….

(Captcha: temptation is – oh, the temptation to use the hairdryer in the shower!)

Stonewolf Says:
October 30th, 2008 at 9:21 am

On a table saw blade “Warning-May be sharp”

On a coffee mug “Warning, contents may be hot” Please note, this is my personal mug at home. Only I fill it. Yet they felt the need to slap a lable on it.

Also, can anyone tell me why drive-throughs have brail?

And my favorite, which someone slapped on my dorm door in college, “Warning-May cause damage to sanity”

Billy reply on October 30th, 2008 9:42 am:

the reason drive-thrus have brail is probably similar why they steralize the needle for lethal injection. To waste money

Catbunny reply on October 30th, 2008 10:23 pm:

Why drive-throughs have brail is pretty obvious, actually. (At least I thought it was when my then-boyfriend-now-hubby explained it to me ^_^;)

All the buttons are made in the same factory. It’s alot cheaper to just make then all have brail then to make special non-brail for drive-throughs.

Stonewolf reply on October 31st, 2008 5:08 am:

That would make sense if I saw the buttons at other places besides drive throughs. But I only see them at drive throughs. And the signs have brail too.

BaronMango Says:
October 30th, 2008 at 9:54 am

Took Flonase for years. At one point, they started coming with the label:
“For the NOSE”.

Billy Says:
October 30th, 2008 at 10:02 am

There is something darkly comical about a warning on a bag saying that it is not a toy, but is packeged on the head of a doll.

SpaZzy Says:
October 30th, 2008 at 10:24 am

I got one here in Seattle. One lady ordered a hot coffee. Then, she put it inbetween her legs as she was starting her car (I guess she had no cup holders), and squeezed her thighs. Hot coffee EVERYWHERE. I guess it scalded her genitalia and she SUED STARBUCKS. So now whenever I go to order my Slightly-Warmer-than-Luke-Warm-But-Not-Hot-Enough-to-be-Deserving-of-the-Label-‘Hot’ Chocolate. The little thermal sleeve it comes in, in big, red, BOLD letters at the bottom.. “CAUTION: HOT! MAY CAUSE BURNS AND SCALDING.”

I want a correction. “FIRE BAD”

-SpaZzy-

SpaZzy reply on October 30th, 2008 10:26 am:

Ah crap, someone already took mine. Oh well, I’ve another.

On a package of steak, I saw the following.

“COOK BEFORE EATING”

Mm, raw meat. My favourite!!

Dave in NC Says:
October 30th, 2008 at 10:46 am

have any of you seen the warning labels on a new firearm? It’s ridiculous!!!

–Caution – may cause serious injury or death–

0.o

a la Ralph Wiggum “Tastes like…burning.”

Tony reply on November 1st, 2008 3:22 pm:

hell, i wouldn’t carry one if it couldn’t

Stickfodder reply on November 1st, 2008 4:43 pm:

Yeah I always assumed that that was the idea of using a gun.

Speed Says:
October 30th, 2008 at 11:07 am

I like the warning on the sunshade I use for the car windshield in the summer – Do Not Use While Driving
And the one I saw on Preparation H – Do Not Take Orally

Years ago a fertility doc told me that he used to tell women to take cough syrup to thin out the mucus down below so they could conceive. Later on he had to amend that to “take it orally.” Guess why…

Billy Says:
October 30th, 2008 at 11:11 am

What about the old claymore label, “This end toward enemy”?

Angelus reply on December 17th, 2008 9:16 pm:

Old? They still say that.

Captcha: Teaches war. Not quite yet, I just finished basic.

Daver Says:
October 30th, 2008 at 12:19 pm

On bottle of milk: May contain milk.

I should bloody well hope so!!!!

RivCA Says:
October 30th, 2008 at 12:23 pm

Here’s another couple for blow dryers:

“Do not use near hot objects.” Little bit of a paradox on that one.

My personal favorite: “Never use while sleeping.”

Brutally Honest Says:
October 30th, 2008 at 1:11 pm

Found on a Sun Screen (to keep cars cool while parked): “Do not use while driving. Accidents may occur”!! No kidding.

Oh, and PS – I believe you meant to say “SHARP”

Mike Says:
October 30th, 2008 at 1:31 pm

This one I experienced several times, especially from military physicians. The physician hands you a Rx and says, “Take as directed on the bottle.” You go to the pharmacy and pick up the Rx. You read the label so you can take the medicine correctly and it reads “Take as directed.”

What do you do? Take the whole fucking bottle and let your loved ones sue the physician and the pharmacy.

JessEm Says:
October 30th, 2008 at 1:42 pm

My favourite:

Printed on the BOTTOM of a tiramisu dessert:

“Do Not Turn Upside Down.”

Too late, you lose!

TheShadowCat Says:
October 30th, 2008 at 3:36 pm

On a bottle of sleeping pills – May cause drowsiness

They bloody well better!

the_bee Says:
October 30th, 2008 at 5:20 pm

One brand of microwave popcorn has a warning telling you to remove the plastic wrapper before you microwave it. Not so bad, except that the warning is placed so that you can’t see it until after you take the plastic wrap off.

Skye Says:
October 30th, 2008 at 6:14 pm

I’ve got one. On an iron: Do not iron clothes while wearing them.

Gee…let me save time by putting on my expensive suit and THEN ironing my ass.

Wes Says:
October 30th, 2008 at 7:33 pm

This one scares me.

[IMG]http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc156/BattlingDragon/screwdriver.jpg[/IMG]

Stickfodder reply on October 30th, 2008 8:17 pm:

yeah apparently Skippy’s list doesn’t use BB code. you just have to put in the url and It makes a link.

So just to make it easier for to access:

http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc156/BattlingDragon/screwdriver.jpg

Stickfodder reply on October 30th, 2008 8:24 pm:

I meant to say make it easier for “other peopla” to access

Stickfodder reply on October 30th, 2008 8:47 pm:

oh what the fuck

*people

Fairest of All reply on October 31st, 2008 8:14 am:

HAD to send that to my son, Dad, and husband!

Wes Says:
October 30th, 2008 at 7:35 pm

I have a set of jeweler’s screwdrivers that has
“Do not insert into penis”

Matt reply on October 30th, 2008 8:15 pm:

And a Warning picture too?!?! That’s freakin scary.

My favorite ones are like the one I just read, surgeon general warnings on cigarettes. The ones in Canada and other parts of the world are even better though. Death Cigarettes have the coolest box. They taste like crap though.

“Winson after-” reading some of those warnings…

Stickfodder reply on October 31st, 2008 10:24 am:

Why in god’s name would anybody look at those things and think “hay this would feel great in the tip of my penis!”

Petros Says:
October 31st, 2008 at 2:12 am

The manual for my mobile phone has an instruction that tells you not to place the phone in the microwave as it will cause the battery to explode.

captcha: demonstrations haven – no, I don’t think we need to

CCO reply on October 31st, 2008 10:24 am:

Oh, it only takes one second to kill your cell phone. Some kids were playing keeps away with a friends cell phone and nuked it for one second.

You can so too use a chain saw in a haunted house; my dad did; take the chain OFF first.

Hibbert of: is that like a castelan or a seneschal seneschal

Kat Says:
November 1st, 2008 at 7:37 am

On the outside of a lead box containing radioactive dye (for nuclear medicine), underneath the big radiation death sign “Warning, contents are radioactive. Do not drink”

jere Says:
November 2nd, 2008 at 3:13 pm

On a Cat Scan machine: ‘WARNING: May cause radiation poisoning’. On a big brother poster: ‘always watching you’.

Ben Says:
November 2nd, 2008 at 3:24 pm

In the UK we have a great one that has started to appear over the sinks in ‘public bathrooms’:

“Caution, water may be extremely hot”

And there’s only one tap!

Suomynona Says:
November 2nd, 2008 at 4:59 pm

Here are some I got off funnyjunk.com and a few I found myself.

1. On a korean kitchen knife: “Warning, keep out of children” Something got lost in translation apparently.

2. On CHILDREN’s Cough medicine: “Caution, do not drive or operate machinery after use” Hmm, I wonder how many times they had to stop 5-year olds from driving fork lifts before putting that on.

3. On a Snowblower: “Warning, Do not go near auger while in use” I can just imagine; “Mommy Mommy! I wanna go crawl in those spinning blades of death!”

4. On a Superman Costume: “Wearing of this outfit does not enable flight” It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s child suicide!

5. On a Fritos bag: “You could be a winner! Details inside, no purchase necessary” Grocery stores across the country lost huge profit that day…

6. On a bar of dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap” Dial, the clean you want with the process you know.

7. On a string of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only” Of course, you aren’t supposed to hang them up right in the doorway.

8. On a food processor: “Not to be used for the other use” I can put out a vauge guess as to what that is…

9. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.” Wait, I got stuck on the eating part, how does that work?

Andy Says:
November 4th, 2008 at 9:57 am

not sure whether it was kippers or haddock now but… on the back – May contain fish o.0

only other ones i can think of are road or place signs,
Bottomless pit, 6feet deep
and
Family Panning, Use rear entrance

are jsut 2 that come to mind

I am an evil taco Says:
November 14th, 2008 at 10:20 am

There is prescedent. Steak tartare is one example, and ethiopian cuisine has a few different examples of thin sliced raw steak in a curry type sauce served with spiced pancake like flatbread.

My favorite is a classic. The packages of sillica gel you get with stereos that say “Do not eat”. Wtf, my stereo came with a bag of candy!

captcha: confirming all.

I am an evil taco reply on November 14th, 2008 10:21 am:

wtf, I told that to reply to the guy who said something about having to cook steak.

meh.

Stephanie Says:
June 12th, 2009 at 1:55 am

::archive diving lurker surfaces, snorkel in hand::

A former roommate’s 1″ curling iron is still my favorite: “Do not use to curl eyelashes.”

waterbeds Says:
November 17th, 2009 at 3:52 am

I think it depends on the quality of waterbeds we have better technology now, I am sure these intances are very rare thing to happen.

Travis Froggatt Says:
November 25th, 2013 at 11:30 am

I’ve got you all beat! I once went to my local Regional Center for an orientation meeting.
All throughout, they used an overhead projector. At the end of the meeting, the last transparency was various languages saying “Thank You”, including American Braille.

Let that sink in for a minute.

A representation. Of “Thank You”. In American Braille. Projected onto a dry erase whiteboard.

WHO IN HELL DOES THAT BENEFIT?!?!!!!?!?!ONEOneone