It’s that time of the week to once again show you a list of things that you should not do. This list came with an introduction from the author.
I worked in an amusement park for about three years (summers only, as that shit closes down when it gets cold. No one wants to hit the batting cages in January). It was not a “name” amusement park; we were very low-rent, even by New Jersey shore standards. We were several miles from the local boardwalk, and were pretty much only visited by people who could not afford the boardwalk, or the gas to the boardwalk, and in some cases, didn’t own the car required to get the gas to get to the boardwalk. Upkeep was kind of a joke. Anyway, we (the teenage workers, or in the less successful cases, the twenty-somethings) got bored rather frequently. Only on specific days did we get much foot traffic, and that was because we did deals that gave people free reign for something like ten bucks (yeah, *that* low rent). Because of this, we got up to what can only be described as nearly criminal levels of irresponsible and somewhat reckless behavior. We also just did things that in today’s litigious society would cause enough lawsuits to make us have to change the cheap pirate theme to whatever the new owner desired. Here’s some of what that stuff was:
Things You Should Not Do While Working At The Amusement Park
(Submitted By Sean Beattie)
1. When walking the mini-golf course for maintenance, don’t make customers take penalty strokes for trying the “Happy Gilmore”.
2. Don’t trip them for doing the same, in the middle of the backswing.
3. Not allowed to play a practice round in the course, while on duty, “just to check the break on the greens”.
4. Not allowed to ask to play through while doing same, and then cause the hole to be closed because of what you did.
5. You know what you did, dammit, now stop acting like you didn’t do it.
6. While mowing the grass around the course, not allowed to keep the naturally-growing marijuana secret because your coworkers are working on a “grow farm” while on the job.
7. The final hole of the course is hard because we reward those who get a hole in one, and lose money if you tell people how to do so. Repeatedly.
8. The lagoon is not for bathing. Especially while customers are on the course.
9. Neither is the waterfall…during a birthday party, what the hell were you thinking?
10. The archery range is for archery. The paintball range is for paintball. Don’t confuse the two.
11. When checking the fuel level of the generator, your Zippo is not proper illumination.
12. If you can’t drive stick, don’t take the truck on the highway. Ever.
13. No matter how bad of a day you’re having, or how much of a pain in the ass a customer is being, you are not allowed to cork his batting cage machine with a softball, then say his cage is out of order.
14. Five times.
15. The customer is always right; even if that kid was too small to enter the batting cages by himself. Even if the helmet made him look like Dark Helmet because the brim hit his nose. Even if he couldn’t lift the lightest bat available. Even if he ended up standing on the home base in the middle of the cage and got hit in the face as a result.
16. Don’t laugh when the mother asks for her money back. That’s management’s job.
17. The batting cage netting is not to be climbed on.
18. Even if you are in a Spider-Man costume because you got volunteered, and were staying “in character”.
19. If the parents didn’t pay extra for it, don’t visit the birthday parties in costume, despite how much the kids will love it.
20. When working the water balloon slingshot battle, do not give extra “help” to the girls wearing bikinis.
21. Or play against them.
22. Do not attempt to talk a girl into playing the water balloon battle, just because she’s wearing a white tank top and nothing underneath.
23. The hose is for washing down the pavement of the water balloon battle. Not to “even things up”.
24. I don’t care how hot she was, she didn’t want to get wet.
25. Just because you can, does not mean you should use the water balloon slingshot to hit passing traffic on the highway.
26. That officer really didn’t appreciate that.
27. Only management is allowed to revoke the “free reign” rights of a $10 wristband holder; you can’t “separate the wheat from the chaff” yourself.
28. But that kid who pointed the readied bow at you did deserve it.
29. Watch your ass cleaning up the archery range on wristband days. Those jackals will take arrows, and your life, for themselves if you’re not careful.
30. Don’t put a semi-broken helmet from the batting cages on, and rush around the park like a bull with your head down.
31. Don’t charge from one end of the parking lot to the ticket booth, throw your head down, and slam into the wall of the booth, just to test the same broken helmet.
32. Batting cage machines are for batters to hit balls; not to hit batters with balls.
33. The joust is for customers to play; not to settle grievances with middle managers of the park.
34. No matter how cool it is to watch your scrawny ass get knocked off the inflatable bit the first hit from the manager.
35. The go-karts are not to be used for Death Race. Just…don’t.
36. Not allowed to re-enact the “gas fight” from Zoolander while filling up the go-karts’ tanks.
37. Not allowed to rig the protective band around the go-karts to spark while running around the track, because you know where the guy who did #36 will be watching the race.
38. The go-kart manager is easily angered. Do not test this.
39. If you’re going to drop someone’s soda, don’t drop the go-kart manager’s. He will end you.
40. The go-kart manager is a huge comic nerd. Don’t tell him you like the first Spider-Man movie. He didn’t.
41. The bumper boat pool is for bumper boats. Not skinny dipping.
42. The park installed security cameras for after-hours. We know it was you in the bumper boat pool.
43. The kiddie park…just don’t go near the kiddie park after-hours. That’s wrong.
44. If the go-kart manager, who also manages the bumper boats, calls you a sadistic bastard for spraying the kids with a focused-nozzle hose after they spray you with their 1 psi water guns, then stop it. We use that to power wash with.
45. The water jet explosions in the bumper boat pool are not to be activated while the water is lowered for maintenance and the go-kart manager is the one maintaining.
46. Especially if he’s working on said jets at the time.
47. You are not allowed to chase geese in the ball picker on the driving range.
48. You are not allowed to chase people in the ball picker on the driving range, no matter if we have ten signs that tell customers not to chase balls that don’t go far enough for their liking.
49. Not allowed to take the ball picker off the driving range, just to “do something cool” with the collector.
50. If your supervisor asks you to turn your uniform shirt inside out, go to a competitor’s park and hand out coupons for ours, don’t.
51. Don’t talk the guys in the arcade into giving you infinite lives in the video games just so you can make it to the ending.
52. The trailer in the back of the park is there because one of the workers got kicked out of his house and needs a place to stay. It’s not a nightclub just because he put up Christmas lights and got the fridge to work.
53. If he brings his girlfriend back there with us, they will not be shy when it’s “time to go to bed”.
54. They will take it as an insult, however, if you bring 3D glasses and popcorn, expecting it to happen.
55. After-hours go-karting on the track is forbidden.
56. After-hours go-karting off the track is forbidden. The police will respond.
57. Don’t get drunk, and do either 55 or 56; it won’t help the situation when the police respond and you run.
58. Employees are no longer allowed to ride the go-karts. You ruined it for everybody, guys. Way to go.
59. Your time sheets are subjective. Be prepared to fight for your agreed upon wage.
60. Customers believe they own the park because they paid “you” (the park) five bucks. Let them believe this, as it is probably the best feeling their lives will allow.
61. Do not point and laugh when a customer is hit in the crotch by the batting cage machine, no matter how off-center it is.
62. Do not tell the injured customer that he can now audition for Jesus Christ Superstar with his new falsetto.
63. Never turn your back on the flow of traffic on the go-kart track while correcting a turned around go-kart. Just because they can see you, doesn’t mean they can, or will, stop.
64. If you jump to avoid getting hit by the go-kart mentioned above, try not scissor the neck of the driver between your legs. You get sweaty out there on the track and they will notice.
65. “No bumping” applies to everyone on the track. As a track race attendant you are expected to enforce, not exempt yourself, from this rule.
66. Even if the guy in the lead is being a total dick.
67. The kill switch is for stopping the flow of traffic during a crash. Not ending a race because they don’t know how to drive the damn karts.
68. Not allowed to rig a crude cannon by welding together metal end caps and a pipe, filling one end with acetylene and then lighting the other end with a blowtorch.
69. And no, the driving range does not want those balls back after you fired them from your cannon.
70. That cannon was awesome, though.
71. The ticket booth is for selling tickets.
72. Even if no one can see what they’re doing below the counter of that booth to you.
73. And if you’re going to do #71, don’t act like every sale is a miracle. The customers will catch on.
74. Stop quoting “Super Troopers” when the little kids are around.
75. When re-filling the soda machines, you cannot give away some, and then chalk it up to “universal entropy”.
76. Bank shots are not allowed on the mini golf course. They never work.