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Archive for October 19th, 2008

It’s A Big One

Sunday, October 19th, 2008

(Submitted by Speed)

1.    I am not allowed to call “Operation Enduring Freedom” “Operation Enduring Boredom.”
2.    Just because a sleeping bag is referred to as a “fart sack,” the entire section is not allowed to line up and fart on Aaron’s sleeping bag.
3.    Rather than get into line with the others, I should have tried to disperse them.
4.    Especially since Aaron had just turned in his old sleeping bag in for a new one.
5.    Not allowed to reply to army emails as “global” during Warfighter 2000 when adding to the Top Ten Reasons For Being A Jedi Redneck – and yes, #1 was “You sleep with Princess Leia because she IS your sister”.
6.    Not allowed to rename Aaron “Jennifer,” or “Bitch,” or “My trophy wife,” or anything else that would make him pout.
7.    Not allowed to print out M-O-U-S-E on the printer, trim off the excess paper, and clear tape it under the NCOIC’s signature block:
SFC Cole
NCOIC TCC
M-O-U-S-E
8.    Not allowed to post a street sign outside the hooch with “Bakka Lakka Dakka Street” on it, ala Team America.
9.    Not allowed to post that street sign even if I got the translator to write it in Arabic.
10.    I’m not allowed to run the last 100 yards of the 2 mile run backwards, even if I’m the first one across.
11.    I’m not allowed to cross the finish line of the 2 mile run with a cart wheel.
12.    I’m not allowed to tell the NCOIC the number of times I’ve lapped him when I pass him again during the 2 mile run.
13.    I’m not allowed to point out that my NCOIC only ran three laps instead of four on the half mile track during the APFT [cheater!].
14.    When the Sergeant Major says, “When I was in ‘Nam…” I’m not allowed to insert, “In supply.”
15.    Being posted to Kuwait does not change “Operation Iraqi Freedom” to “Operation Photo Op,” or “Operation Shopping Trip.”
16.    While standing in formation in civvies with the rest of the CI gang, I’m not allowed to tell the new 2LT “I am here from Hezbollah to learn Amerdican Tahctics.” [his reply, “Really?!]
17.    Not allowed to hide all of the ashtrays in the comm-center inside the sub-floor conduits, the freezer, and up inside the ceiling tiles [back when you could smoke inside], and laugh at the NCOIC’s nic-fit.
18.    Not allowed to place a small collection of local little, green frogs in the NCOIC’s desk drawer while stationed in Turkey.
19.    Not allowed to place a small collection of local little lizards in the NCOIC’s brief case while still stationed in Turkey.
20.    Not allowed to go into the chief’s office when he’s not there every time I have really bad gas.
21.    When the chief asks why his office stinks, I shouldn’t say, “I pass.”
22.    When the females from the Navy walk by I’m not allowed to sing, “Catcha wave and you’re sittin on top of the world” like the Beach Boys.
23.    I’m not allowed to comment on the chief’s habit of carrying on conversations with the crypto equipment, even when he replies to “their questions.”
24.    Not allowed to use the phrase, “yada, yada, yada” while conducting the G2 portion of the brief for the DCG of the XVIII Airborne Corps.
25.    While acting as a pointer for the captain when he’s briefing the general, I’m not allowed to shrug my shoulders instead of pointing on the map when the captain goes off script.
26.    Not allowed to tell my National Guard colonel/politician that Bob Dole could kick his ass after he was talking smack about Bob.
27.    Not allowed to call the sergeant major a Don Knotts wanna be.
28.    After looking at all six ribbons on the sergeant major’s Class A uniform, not allowed to call him a “PX hero.”
29.    When the sergeant major calls me a PX hero, I’m not allowed to say, “You’re just jealous you never went anywhere.”
30.    When asked by a reserve private how I got the Good Conduct Medal, not allowed to say, “I never got caught.” [bwa-ha-ha-haaa!]
31.    Not allowed to make chicken calls when the colonel walks by on his little chicken legs in his PT uniform.
32.    When the sergeant major talks about being under small arms fire in Desert Storm, I’m not allowed to ask when the army started sending National Guard maintenance units into combat.
33.    I’m also not allowed to ask if Damman, Saudie Arabia was on the front lines.
34.    When the sergeant major starts talking about the harshness of war, I’m not allowed to ask how long the DFAC line was.
35.    While observing urine tests, not allowed to refer to myself as “piss-boy.”
36.    Not allowed to offer my observational services to the females during the urine test.
37.    Not allowed to ask for a little more time to “bone up” prior to the HIV test.
38.    Not allowed to say “Ooh baby!” and act aroused when I get stuck with a needle.
39.    The best way to become the EEO rep is to get caught telling off color jokes.
40.    Not allowed to tell off color jokes as EEO rep to show examples of what’s not allowed.
41.    After the colonel has missed every target on the pistol range, not allowed to pick up his pistol and knock down five targets in quick order.
42.    Not allowed to say that the colonel “couldn’t shoot shit in an outhouse.”
43.    Not allowed to console the colonel with, “That’s okay sir, maybe they’ll still deploy you.”
44.    Not allowed to make up a “Spec Eight” sign and hang it up on the door to the NCOIC’s hootch, even if he “works” at night and refuses to do his job.
45.    Not allowed to make up fake front pages of Stars and Stripes making fun of how short an Ops captain is.  He is not short enough to be in the Lollipop Guild or to take Tattoo’s place on Fantasy Island.
46.    Not allowed to step on the toe of Gen. Shinseki’s jump boot, even if I didn’t see the little guy.
47.    Not allowed to send in pictures of the Bosnian Serb Special Forces manning illegal roadblocks attached to a Serious Incident Report up to division the same day Special Ambassador Holbrook announced that the Bosnian Serb Special Forces had been disbanded.  That will get you confined to base for 30 days.
48.    Not allowed to make fun of the officers ordered to go to Tuzla to eat lunch with Hillary Clinton, even the one that went on sick call.
49.    Not allowed to tell the rappers of Nappy Roots that we have steak at the DFAC every time a camel steps on a land mine.
50.    Not allowed to sell decks of “Enemy” cards to contractors for $10 each while in uniform and in front of the DFAC.
51.    I am allowed to sell those decks of cards if I give a few free decks to an ARCENT sergeant major.  But I’m still a disgrace to the uniform.  Even if the money goes into the unit fund.
52.    Not allowed to laugh at NCIS for paying the same guy for bad information three months straight.
53.    Even if the USA went into “Orange Alert” two times because of it.
54.    Not allowed to mock regular army guys for not PTing in the rain by saying, “But tharge, my candy coating ith gonna melt!” in a Sylvester Cat voice.
55.    Not allowed to take pictures of the UN personnel and add them to the terrorist wanted poster for Bosnia.  Even if they are dicks.
56.    Not allowed any more “show stoppers” at the embassy correlation meeting.  I must give all reports of international incidents to the military attaché prior to the meeting.  Heh.
57.    Not allowed to bargain for the price of fuel when a UN driver wants to buy five gallons for an out of fuel truck.
58.    Not allowed to push peeing privates into each others’ streams when relieving themselves in an open parking lot next to a residential neighborhood while screaming, “Use the latrines dammit!”
59.    Not allowed to tell 1st Cav troops the difference between Air Cav and Armored Cav. [Air Cav can run from battle faster]
60.    After completing the XVIII ABC 20k ruck march for time in 3 hrs 1 minute, I shouldn’t admit that my time would be better if I hadn’t stopped at the shoppette for breakfast.
61.    Especially when SFC “Snackwell” took much longer and didn’t stop.
62.    Not allowed to call Section Sergeant “SGT Snackwell” even though she eats an entire box by herself every day.
63.    Not allowed to set any of the computer passwords as “Snackwell,” “Snackster,” “SnackAttack,” “Snacky,” or any other combination using the word “snack” in it.
64.    Not allowed to reply to the 1SG of HHC 525 MI, “Why yes, you do look like an out of shape National Guard soldier.” Don’t ask the question if you can’t handle the answer.
65.    Not allowed to point out that the 1SG of HHC 525 MI “falls down and gets hurt” at the beginning of EVERY brigade run, and she has to go to the TMC.
66.    When saying “F— you!” to an anonymous smart ass in the dark, be sure to add “Sir!” when you find out it’s your OIC.
67.    Not allowed to frame each and every counseling statement and hang them in the office.
68.    Not allowed to make fun of the others for not having as many counseling statements as I do.
69.    Not allowed to refer to it as a “tri-fecta” when I get three counseling statements in one morning.
70.    When given four counseling statements the day before my NCOER is due, I’m not allowed to ask “If three are a tri-fecta, what’s four called?” [use of the magic words ‘no follow up’ and ‘JAG’ removed all from the record]
71.    Just because the humvee chock block is chained to the vehicle is no reason to toss it out and yell “Anchor’s Away!” after parking it.
72.    Not allowed to refer to the center seat in the LMTV as the “baby seat” when Spc “Shortcake” sits in it, it “wounds her feelings.”
73.    Not allowed to spray paint Afrika Corps-esque logos on unit vehicles during deployment.  Even if the colonel has an unauthorized logo on his vehicle.
74.    Not allowed to change the colonel’s call sign to “Sprinting Chicken 6.”
75.    Not allowed to call that cute young 2LT “Lieutenant Dish” like in MASH.
76.    Not allowed to make privates cry, even if all I said was, “Hi, what are you doing?”  Even if I was smiling.
77.    I must come to parade rest when XVIII ABC G2X SFC Mikey walks into the office to show proper respect since he outranks me, otherwise I will get a counseling statement.
78.    [the next day] If I come to parade rest when SFC Mikey walks into the office, I will get a counseling statement for mocking him. WTF?
79.    When SFC Mikey’s computer, which is NT4 and runs Service Pack 5 [many years out of date] keeps losing its print drivers, it’s all my fault even if I never touched the damn thing.
80.    Not knowing Outlook or Frontpage will get you fired as IMO and make you happy.
81.    When the new IMO tells the Battle Major in a loud voice so the entire TOC can hear her, “Sir, it’s easier to log in if you first turn on the computer,” I am not allowed to laugh loudly.  Or start laughing again every time someone says “log in.”
82.    I am not allowed to insinuate that LT Dish was drinking beer at the German chem unit’s beer garten in violation of General Order #1.
83.    I am not allowed to offer to sell pictures of LT Dish drinking at the German beer garten, or offer to post them on the ARCENT web site.
84.    Not allowed to say that LT Dish isn’t cool any more after she made captain.
85.    Not allowed to refer to the Czech, Slovak or Romanian females in the chem units as “comfort girls” even if that’s all they really do.
86.    Not allowed to refer to the barracks for the female chem troops as “Madam Orr’s House.”
87.    Not allowed to refer to third country nationals [TCNs] in their little blue suits as “Smurfs.”
88.    Not allowed to call TCNs “Oompa Loompas.”
89.    I must tell the XO verbally and give him a memo that I am going on leave, even if he signed my leave form.
90.    It’s my fault when the XO forgets that I am on leave.
91.    Not allowed to walk into the TOC with a bag of Burger King food when we’re supposed to be locked down.
92.    Even if the command staff did the same thing.
93.    Not allowed to reply “In the rear sir!” when saluting an airborne officer, even if I do work in the Corps Rear TOC.
94.    Not allowed to reply “Leg!” when saluting an airborne officer.  Even if he laughs.
95.    Not allowed to walk past the SOF captain hiding in the shadows by the TF Pershing headquarters after sunset without saluting him.
96.    Not allowed to salute the SOF captain on the Slavonski Brod bridge when Bosnian Serb snipers are present.  Heh.
97.    Even if I yell “Sniper Check!”
98.    Not allowed to ask the Bosnian translators if Comrade Tito was Tito of the Jackson Five.
99.    Not allowed to ask the Bosnian translators if Comrade Tito pursued a musical career as Tito Fuentes.
100.    Not allowed to call the master sergeant that just became a warrant “spot,” “dot” or any other name making fun of the single little square on his bar.
101.    When the old master sergeant starts talking about the “brown boot army,” I am not allowed to say anything about his being on the “advance party for Moses.”
102.    When the same master sergeant complains that he does all of the work and everyone else gets the medals, I’m not allowed to say, “I told Hannibal to take the elephants over the Alps, but he got all the credit!”
103.    Not allowed to tease the privates because I packed Charmin and they didn’t.
104.    Not allowed to call the captain “Radio Killer 6″ after he has destroyed two different radio sets.
105.    Not allowed to say that the almost 60 year old master sergeant does the “Show up and breath APFT.”
106.    When the colonel barely bends his arms and bobs his head up and down doing push ups for the APFT, I’m not allowed to call them “colonel push ups.”
107.    Not allowed to carry a magazine in the well of my M-16 like everyone else because “Cut the bastard down!” is not what we do when we take fire in Bosnia.
108.    I am not the “native guide” for US soldiers in Kuwait City.
109.    Not allowed to tell the marines that I’m a “part time soldier.”
110.    My rank is not “REMF.”
111.    I am not a member of the “Special Needs Forces.”
112.    I do not ride the “short helicopter.”
113.    SWO means “Staff Weather Officer,” not “Swell When Oiled.”
114.    The field jacket liner is not my smoking jacket and is not to be worn as leisure wear.
115.    When I see a female drug dog, I’m not allowed to say, “What’s up bitch?”
116.    When the captain fires his M9 into the clearing barrel, I’m not allowed to yell, “Do over!”
117.    Not allowed to make friends with the dogs at the main gate to Camp Doha.  Even if they break training and approach me.
118.    Not allowed to call contractors that work for CSA “Confederates,”  “Rebels,” or “Johnny-Rebs,” even if they wear butternut brown uniforms.
119.    Halliburton employees are not “Damn Yankees.”
120.    Not allowed to tell my OIC that it would be easier to promote me than getting a new memo every time I teach ANCOC as a staff sergeant.
121.    When the commander and his staff are trying to figure out what happened to the missing unit fund while we were deployed in Kuwait, I’m not allowed to start asking rhetorical questions like “How many times did y’all go to TGI Fridays?”
122.    After the sergeant major gives his speech about us buckling down because we’re in a war, I’m not allowed to wish him a good time as he and the commander leave to go to TGI Fridays in their civilian clothes.
123.    When the captain complains about the PX theater showing the same movie for three nights straight, I’m not allowed to comment that “War is hell”.
124.    When the captain slips and falls down on the freshly waxed hall floor, I’m not allowed to make umpire hand signals and yell, “Safe!”
125.    At the confidence course, I’m not allowed to say, “Someone’s going to break a hip before this day’s over,” while looking at the almost 60 master sergeant.
126.    When I see the Shiite women in Kuwait dressed in their black gloves, black veils, black chadrs, black fest-tents, etc., I’m not allowed to call them Ninjas.
127.    During a SCUD alert I must get up, don my pro-mask and go to the bunker instead of saying, “Wake me if it hits,” and then go back to sleep.
128.    At the confidence course I am not “Too old for this shit.”