A young man recently asked me for some advice regarding women. I decided to jot down what I came up with, in case anyone else needed help.
1) There is a thing called “Thread Count”. It’s printed on the package that sheets come in. Evidently this number is a way women can use to quantify your both your intelligence and sexual orientation. If the number is too low, then you will be assumed to be too stupid to have sex with. But if it too high, you will be assumed to be gay. It’s basically dating blackjack.
2) If you ever wind up cohabitating with a woman, you will probably have opinions about how the place should be decorated. Your opinions are wrong. You should train yourself to stop having them.
3) On that note, everything you own will be thrown away, or at the very least placed into storage. They will be replaced with a wicker basket full of crap. Women are kind of retarded for wicker baskets full of crap.
4) Chocolate is your friend. Chocolate has chemicals in it which simulate the effect of being loved, at least according to Al Pacino in “The Devil’s Advocate”. I’m too lazy to look that up right now, so I’m just going to assume he was being straight with me.
Whatever the case, chocolate is basically an emergency pressure bandage for your relationship. Try to always have some of the good stuff where you can get to it rapidly. I suspect that a woman created Easter, simply because it features chocolate, in a wicker basket.
4) If she’s angry with you for something that seems inconsequential, chances are she is angry about something else. It might be something some other guy from her past did. Even though she’s not going to tell you what it is, she will punish you until you correctly guess and fix it.
5) Buy a DVR. This way when she wants to talk to you when you are watching something, you can pause it. Because she is definitely going to want to talk to you about something while you are watching TV. A lot. And if you don’t stop watching it then she will believe that you love football more than her. And while that might be true, if you admit it you won’t get any sex for a very long time.
6) If she asks you if you if you were planning to wear that, then you weren’t.
7) When she is trying to make a selection between several different options, and she asks you which one you like best, do not make the rookie mistake of telling her. She doesn’t care which one you like best. She wants you to guess the one that she likes best.
8) You have no opinions as to the link between applied textiles and visual mass.