Two Lists! It’s a Monday Morning Miracle!

(Submitted by SPC Craig Gauthier)

– Not allowed to water the SGM’s flowers with Round Up.
– When making Anti-Coalition propaganda “White Devil” is not an acceptable phrase… Even if the COG thinks its funny.
– Not allowed to use “real” pictures of dead people
– I am not the white Missy Elliot
– Not allowed to use dairy dry-shakes to convince Iraqi kids that Americans eat their own cum
– KATUSAs are not my personal play things
– Not allowed to tell the KATUSAs where all the whore houses are
– Not allowed to tell privates that if they want to get promoted they have to “pleasure” the 1SG.
– Not allowed to tell KATUSAs sexually deviant things like what “playing swords” is.
– There is a reason new KATUSAs are scared… I should not prey on this (even if I CAN smell their fear).
– Not allowed to “tag” memorandums that I don’t agree with, with “WOLVERINES!!!”
– Not allowed to paint training claymores green
– Not allowed to paint live claymores blue
– My name is not Buck, and I am not here to fuck
– Especially not when there are female soldiers around
– No longer allowed to voice my opinions during EO training
– Especially if it deals with racism or religion
– Not allowed to tell 1SG exactly what I think of his board questions
– Everyone knows that I am 11B, I don’t need to remind them that they are inferior quite so often
– The 4187 for overtime pay was funny… until it reached the Commandant’s desk
– The supply request for midget hookers was not.
– Not allowed to post pictures around camp of senior NCOs and label them “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.” Especially if its blatant sarcasm.
– Not allowed out of my office, except to smoke, and only under supervision, when there is anyone brigade level or higher on camp.
– An eleven row and some IEDs are not the solution to Korea’s traffic problems
– Not allowed to hand superiors over to the KPA
– Not allowed to defect to KPA
– Not allowed to tell people I’m taking a military vehicle to crash it, just because “I’ve had it with this place”
– Not allowed to tell the SGLs just how jacked up and lazy they are
– Not allowed to give the BNCOC instructors a piece of my mind
– There is no reason to see if any problem at the academy is Internet porn related
– Not allowed to wear a demon mask when attacking bluefor
– Not allowed to carry a lightsaber during rotations
– Not allowed to strap C4 to a goat and send it into bluefor’s FOB
– Using cigarette butts to “silence” my weapon is cheating (It actually works, stuff a butt down your barrel with your BFA. The bolt is louder than the blank. 1 for an M4, 2 for a SAW)
– It is true that a speed limit sign is the standard. However exceeding the speed limit, and exceeding the standard are not the same. Especially in a GOV.
– Not allowed to sing “Its Raining Men” in the office.

Bonus: Things Craig is not allowed to do now that he is married:

1. Must not show testicles to random people
2. Especially if they can have an effect on my employment status
3. Not allowed to publicly embarrass my wife
4. Not allowed to publicly embarrass my wife and post the video on Youtube.
5. No hiding cameras in the bedroom.
6. The bedroom is not a porn studio.
7. “Who’s the Devil?” is no longer my favorite game.
8. “My rifle needs a shiny new buttstock”, is not a valid reason to access the savings account.
9. My Mother in law does not form the head of a giant Anti-Christ Battle Robot.
10. My wife is not a tool to “fix” speeding tickets.
11. My computer is not a “Digital Porn Compression Center”.
12. “Guess what I just did” will probably lead to an argument.
13. “What money” = Wrong answer.
14. My wife has no need for a pistol, and I should stop insisting that she does.
15. She doesn’t need a shotgun either.
16. My wife has neither the time nor inclination to hear my performance map for my car (again).
17. I should just assume that my wife will not understand “What the fuck I’m talking about”, so I should just keep my mouth shut
18. Its not funny when my wife cries.
19. Especially if its over something stupid.
20. Our (Future) children are not here solely for my entertainment.
21. Nor are they lab rats.
22. A shock collar does not constitute a playpen.
23. I will not threaten the kids with “Being sent to the soccer ball factory”.
24. Red bull and Chocolate bars is not the key to effective child labor.
25. Not allowed to sponsor “Ductape/Wifflebat Deathmatches” with our children.
26. Or the neighbor’s children.
27. There are no child-eating trolls in the woods.
28. Being put in the dumpster is not an acceptable punishment.
29. I can not trade my wife for a larger turbo.
30. Cannot offer sexual favors on my wife’s behalf, in exchange for high priced items from D.S. ARMS.
31. I am neither the Alpha nor Omega.
32. My penis is not nearly as big as I think it is.
33. Nor do I know how to use it.
34. The dinner table is not a place for firearms.
35. We do not need a shotgun rack on the bed.
36. Guinness and a smoke is no longer a breakfast option.
37. A couple six packs, some ten-sided dice, and a character sheet does not constitute family time.
38. I AM in fact gay for liking D&D.
39. Country music is not grounds for suicide, and I should stop suggesting it is.
40. Not allowed to convince my sister-in-law to kill herself.
41. Even if the world WOULD in fact be a better place.
42. Just because my sister-in-law is a loser, as well as her sperm-donor, it does not mean their children should be culled from the gene pool.
43. Not allowed to chemically neuter myself with Twinkies and Mountain Dew.
44. Just because my sister-in-law has not lost the baby fat, lives at home, and has no job, does not mean I should call INS and tell them my mother in law is hiding an Ethiopian in her house.
45. My wife’s dog is not Smeagol with fur.
46. Making a small dog so frightened of me (without ever touching it) that it pees as soon as it sees me, should not be a point of pride.
47. I am not nearly as scary as I would like people to think I am.
48. “I can’t wait to tell the guys”, may or may not result in sleeping on the couch. So I should be VERY careful how I use this phrase.
49. My wife has NOT been smoking crack.
50. In the rare event that my wife’s girlier tendencies manifest, I should not use them as a tool for teasing at a later date.
51. My “I’d rather be masturbating” T-shirt is not acceptable “Dinner with the in laws” attire.
52. I am no longer allowed to dress myself.
53. It goes the speed limit and it does as its told.
54. I am no longer allowed to end any sentence to my wife with “… and it does as its told’.
55. Nor “…or it gets the fire hose”.
56. I am not allowed to buy a fire hose.
57. Silence of the Lambs is NOT funny.
58. My wife CAN AND WILL kick my “bony ass”.
59. Despite what the army tells me, its not rape, even if I DO say no (3am on a duty night).
60. Barn yard animal noises in the bedroom is NOT sexy.
61. I am NOT a sheep, and I do not need lovin’ too.
62. I am not “The Black Britney Spears”.
63. Yelling at other drivers is not a healthy expression of emotion.
64. When my wife’s car breaks down my immediate response is now “Are you okay, hun?”. Not “You should have bought a Honda”.
65. My wife cannot set people on fire.
67. Even if she IS Wiccan.
68. I cannot fight crime with novelty items.
69. Not allowed to go looking for toys my wife has taken from me.
70. Just because my wife is going to be a cop does not mean I can do anything I want.
71. Walking into a cop bar and announcing “I smell bacon!”, is counter productive.
72. The Wiccan symbol tattooed on my wife’s lower back is NOT a tramp stamp.
73. I should not try to prove my point by singing tramp stamp to the tune of “Love Shack”.
74. Under no circumstances am I to attempt to sing.
75. Especially if I’ve been drinking.
76. Guinness is not God’s personal gift to me. Therefor I am not angering him by not drinking it everyday.
77. My wife’s KIA is not “The Devil’s Tool”.
78. My children will NOT eat their way out of the womb
79. My wife does in fact wear the pants.

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This entry was posted on Monday, October 13th, 2008 at 10:57 am and is filed under New List. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.