Skippy Solves The Financial Crisis
Now that I am sober I have given some thought to my idea for fixing the bailout issue that our country is currently facing.
In perhaps overly-simplistic terms, people are afraid that if our financial institutions do not get access to liquid capital they will fold, which could take a large chunk of the economy down with it, triggering a new Great Depression.
But if our government hands over a big wad of cash to these troubled institutions, then we are in essence condoning the shortsighted greed of the men who created the problems in the first place. Hell we’d be rewarding it. At the cost of massive tax increases and/or a huge spike in the deficit. And spending money that wasn’t there is how we got into this mess in the first place.
And so I have come up with what I will now call “The Skippy Plan”.
Step One: Identify every financial institution that took part in the shady real-estate loan business that got us into this mess.
Step Two: Commandeer a skyscraper. One that is basically all window across every exterior surface. Remove all non-load bearing walls from the interior of the skyscraper. This essentially makes it a big tall building that you can see through.
Step Three: Stock the building with every piece of kitchen equipment you can think of, but nothing edible.
Step Four: Arrest every board member and corporate officer from Step One. Arrest every board member and corporate officer that served during the real estate bubble. Arrest all lobbyists that worked for these companies during that time period as well.
Step Five: Dress them as clowns. Because if you are foolish enough to play thermonuclear hot potato with the US economy, you are going to look the part dammit.
Use the different types of make-up, costumes and accessories to mark which bank the clown belongs too. For instance bankers associated with Fannie May could look like sad hobo clowns, while those with Freddy Mac could be dressed in motley.
Step Six: Lock all of them inside the the newly remolded “Economic Summit Gulag”. Nobody leaves until we have a workable solution to bail out the economy. No matter how long it takes. And they can’t use public money to do it. But they are more than welcome to dip into their own savings if the are overcome with community spirit.
To encourage them to really set aside their differences, and apply themselves as never before, every 12 hours that passes without a solution will result in a culling.
During the culls American citizens who are willing to do their part to help fix the economy will set up in buildings adjacent to the Gulag and open fire on the investment geniuses inside.
After a few days of dodging sniper fire and having nothing to eat but investment banker tartar I’m sure that the finest minds in finance will be suitably inspired to find a solution to the mess they made.
And just to make sure that we have all of our bases covered, we can turn this into a money-making venture at the same time. I mean, it’s entirely possible that they broke things too much to fix on their own. In that case we might need a way to raise $700 billion fast.
The membership in the incentive squads could be made dependent upon a modest tax-deductible donation to the economic recovery fund. We could let citizens at home call a 900 number to vote on which set of clowns will be considered valid targets. We could set up cameras inside and sell the feed as pay-per-view. I’m sure that the production companies behind the current glut of reality TV could come up with a way to turn this into a gold mine. We could even get some corporate sponsorship involved here: “This culling of Bear Stearns executives is brought to you by ‘Build-a-Bear’.”
And no matter how it turns out we should mount the remains of the partially devoured clowns onto pikes, and place them on the campuses of prominent MBA programs with a placard that reads “Behold the terrible price of fiduciary misconduct!”
We just might end up with a few less clowns recking our economy.
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October 1st, 2008 at 12:23 pm
You should run for president. Seriously, that’s the smartest political thing I’ve heard since the primaries.
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October 1st, 2008 at 12:40 pm
thats an impressive plan. ;)
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October 1st, 2008 at 1:04 pm
I think your drunk rant made a little more sense actually… but your sober rant sounds like so much more fun. ^_^
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October 1st, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Awesome! We should do this.
Captcha: “immense often” but not all the time? Why not?
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October 1st, 2008 at 4:56 pm
OH.
MY.
GOD.
when does this start? i need to be part of the new world revolution, damnit, and ive even got my rifle ready.
“Dance you little clowns, dance!”
*shoots at their feet*
and can we put speakers in as well, to goad them, for example, “three minutes and forty-five seconds till culling time…”?
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October 1st, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Seriously, how much to be on the firing squad? Any restriction on arms and ordinace? Do we have to worry about collateral?
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October 1st, 2008 at 7:08 pm
I am interested in your manifesto, and would like to subscribe to your news letter. Where is the line for the koolaid?
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October 1st, 2008 at 8:06 pm
How many times do I have to say it? Seriously!
SKIPPY FOR PRESIDENT!SKIPPY FOR PRESIDENT!
Is that enough?
Not so sure about Michiel for VP anymore though.
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October 1st, 2008 at 8:53 pm
could we also set up challenges? Like “Balance the Washington DC pay scale in 15 minutes or a claymore will detonate!” I’d pay to see that!
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Andrew reply on October 1st, 2008 8:57 pm:
Sorry… was that a little too vicious?
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Stickfodder reply on October 1st, 2008 10:40 pm:
Um Skippy’s idea is to dress a bunch of corporate execs as clowns lock them in a skyscraper and have them shot at periodically. Compared to that your idea is tame.
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Sean reply on October 1st, 2008 9:19 pm:
A better idea would be sitting a random CEO in front of a computer with said pay scale on it, and then telling him there’s a proximity trigger on his seat; if he tries to leave before it’s balanced, his favorite assets will be liquidated. Waaay more incentive that way.
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Anna reply on October 2nd, 2008 10:06 pm:
Sean, you’re not just an evil bastard. You’re a MAGNIFICENT evil bastard. That is one of the best ideas I’ve ever heard. :D
Captcha: Altdorfer time – the hour before Miller time.
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Sean reply on October 2nd, 2008 10:10 pm:
Always nice to know of like-minded women in the world.
October 1st, 2008 at 9:21 pm
We could also try poisoning a random selection and telling them that the one who gets the solution will also get the antidote; team-ups are welcome, but the antidote is still limited.
I’m and evil bastard.
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Sean reply on October 1st, 2008 9:21 pm:
*an* evil bastard, sorry.
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Stickfodder reply on October 1st, 2008 10:43 pm:
A truly evil bastard wouldn’t have corrected his spelling error
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Sean reply on October 1st, 2008 10:56 pm:
It’s a sloppy evil bastard who doesn’t use his own language correctly. Why don’t you think any supervillains talk like thugs? You can’t move up in the world if you can’t properly communicate.
October 1st, 2008 at 10:50 pm
Count me in on the firing squad :-)
Captcha: Their Ranch (dressing or housing?)
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October 1st, 2008 at 11:14 pm
Heres an Idea with a simple concept.
People vote on American Idle.
Charges run about $.99 per call (or for text’s).
Over a million people text or call every week.
In 10 weeks “somebody” has made over 10 million dollars from people voting in America, freely giving money.
Simple concept…now how to inact it…hmmm
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October 2nd, 2008 at 12:12 am
I’d add: legalize both gay marriage and polygamy. A million weddings on a fabulous scale would boost multiple industries.
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October 2nd, 2008 at 12:18 am
Skippy,
You are my hero. I think this is actually one of the more suitable alternatives to solving this problem and I work with people who are trying to fix it (note the operative word “trying”). Thank you for the laugh and some really sound advice.
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October 2nd, 2008 at 12:34 am
The solution is no solution. All Lemmiwinks find an ass to crawl into.
captcha: creative 3-6 – obviously something wall street skipped.
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Anna reply on October 2nd, 2008 10:04 pm:
Best South Park metaphor EVER!
Captcha: his decrease – what would happen to the nether regions of the executives if we go with the “asset liquidation” plan mentioned above, which I thought was a great idea. :D
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October 2nd, 2008 at 12:36 am
captcha: changed biweekly – the bail out plan
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October 2nd, 2008 at 12:39 am
captcha: 2-5 retain – important parts of the plan
Could actually run our government by captcha. It is like I-ching.
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October 2nd, 2008 at 12:42 am
capcha: Harper Snyder – The guy with the bail out plan. Call him today
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October 2nd, 2008 at 12:46 am
captcha: compete POWDER – what Bush sprinkles over the American workforce.
Listen to the captcha. The economy will survive.
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October 2nd, 2008 at 1:54 am
This gov’t bailout scheme (not Skippy’s) sounds like a sqdn I was sentenced to once upon time. F up to move up.
As for the Skippy bailout idea. Let me guess, we would have commercials during this clown chow shootdown? Wonderful! I don’t get enough ads for crap food, overpriced pills, and solutions to problems I don’t have. Hmmmm, where’s my gun? No, not that one, the other one, yeah, THAT one!
captcha = warning his = Ya’ll heard it here!
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October 2nd, 2008 at 4:46 am
Skippy, if there is an afterlife and all, somewhere George Carlin is reading your idea and laughing his ass off and thinking, “I shoulda thought of that!”
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October 2nd, 2008 at 6:15 am
Hehe, play the stuff that is used for SERE school to pyschology toture them.
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October 2nd, 2008 at 6:18 am
Here’s a money making idea for ‘Skippy’ Plan’…play ‘Board Member Bingo’! People can bet on who will get shot during the culling. They can also bet on the severity of the wound.
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October 2nd, 2008 at 10:55 pm
Captcha $1,269,000 Libby. The price for letting G. Gordon loose with a gun to help with the clowns? Sounds like a bargain
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paula reply on October 2nd, 2008 11:38 pm:
Hey, that’s not fair! Why should G. Gordon get to have all the fun?!?
captcha: four glided: four of ’em tried to use gliders to escape?
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October 8th, 2008 at 7:11 am
Someone saw Dark Knight more than once ;)
captcha: the monies (we don’t got ’em)
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October 15th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
Sounds good to me.
You have my vote.
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October 20th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
Yes, please do this. You could even do a similar thing with politicians who’re rewarding such stupid behaviour.
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November 7th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
I love this idea. . . where do I sign on?
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July 18th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
Genius! But tame. Snipers are okay, but violence perceived is violence achieved. We could go back to midevil torture and add cameras. Play upon the minds of the heinous individuals, and see who would crack under the pressure and who would respond in a positive way. This would not only cull the herd more efficiently (survival of the fittest), but would make the reality show much more interesting; therefore, encouraging more sponsors.
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April 5th, 2011 at 4:39 pm
I guess you must be merciful if you would stock the place with kitchen appliances. At least that way, even forced to resort to cannibalism, they still get to strip and cook the meat.
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April 5th, 2011 at 4:42 pm
On another note, when I read in your previous post that you had a plan involving clowns, cannibalism and sniper rifles, I honestly did not think that you were serious (a word I use loosely in this context).
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