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Archive for September 26th, 2008

The Vampire Rants, Part III

Friday, September 26th, 2008

Like I said, I can’t stand the way the media portrays us vampires. Oh sure, pure evil — that doesn’t bother me. I’d think that about anything that might eat me, and thus viewed me with the same contemptible objectification one holds for a plate of fish. I don’t mind that. It’s just — have some god damn consistency, will you?

Like, I saw this movie preview the other night. It’s about vampires that move about in the light of day, and they don’t like to drink human blood. The prefer to hunt animals in the woods because they’re too busy falling in love with the humans. I’m like, “Who’s leading that vampire clan, Count Chocula?”

The only story I’ve seen that came close to getting it right is “Dracula.” Sure, Stoker took some licenses with the idea, but he was dead on when it came to moving, banking, all the crushing bureaucracy of daily life. Bankers keep banker’s hours. They’ve long left the office by the time I’m up and about, so a vampire needs some agent just to run his errands for him. And considering the fortune one can build up over several lifetimes, old money, you might call it, it’s best to enslave a lawyer, which brings me to why I’m putting my stuff in storage in the first place. I got evicted!

I’ve moved around occasionally, and for various reasons. Sometimes, a nosy clergyman will learn too much. One time, a bunch of angry peasants burned my house down. I left India just because I didn’t like the way the people tasted. Call me a racist, but they eat too much curry.

Anyhow, I’ve done my fair share of moving, but this is the first time I’ve had to move because I was evicted.

I’m not even sure why I was renting. Everyone knows that if you can afford to buy a house, you buy a house so you can build equity. Renting is just flushing your money down the toilet.

I’m certain this is all the fault of my attorney, who’s gone missing.

That’s what I get for enslaving a public defender.