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Archive for September 10th, 2008

Things Michiel Can Not Do In The Haunted House.

Wednesday, September 10th, 2008

Well, I needed to make a post since I have been gone for a while and I keep seeing the lists people submit that are similar to the Skippy List, but specific to their job/industry. I could do a nice long phone rep list, but I figure that has probably been done, and I am sure that if it has not, someone can write it.

So, I figured that my ten plus years working in haunted houses might work. So here is a list of things that I have been told not to do, heard about someone else being told, or I have had to tell another actor not to do in the haunted house.

1. Do not touch the customers.

2. Do not touch the customers inappropriately.

3. Do not touch the customers inappropriately, even if you are using a fake severed hand.

4. When, surrounded by severed body parts, covered in blood, wearing a diaper and slinging a table saw at people, it is not ok to have butt crack showing as some people will find it offensive.

5. Do not lick the customers.

6. Do not tell female customers you can smell their cunt.

7. Do not tell male customers you can smell their cunt.

8. Do not tell customers you can smell their “dunt,” because you are not fooling anyone.

9. Shocking customers with a stun gun will get you fired.

10. No humping the props in front of customers.

11. Rookies can not have an actual machete in their scene.

12. No one can have an actual machete in a scene with a strobe light.

13. If someone is so scared that they urinate on the floor, it is not ok to scare the next group into the puddle to “mop it up.”

14. It is not ok to laugh at a customer that ran straight into a wall.

15. It is not ok to laugh at a customer that ran straight into a wall, regardless of how funny it was.

16. Even if they bounced back several feet.

17. It is not ok to wear only a nuns habit and a garter belt before 11:00 PM.

18. It is not ok to spit directly into a customers ear.

19. Even if it was an unintentional result of giving a customer “the bronx cheer” while foaming at the mouth with Alka-Seltzer.

20. The Freddy glove is not to be used for sexual gratification.

21. If a co-worker has coulrophobia, it is not ok to walk them into the clown scene and yell, “get her.”

22. If a customer asks to leave early and requests to be escorted to the nearest exit, it is not ok to walk them through the rest of the house and claim it is a short cut.

23. Actually, 22 is OK.