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Resturant Idea

September 4th, 2008 by skippy

So the other day me and a coworker went to grab lunch from Panda Express. As we were getting into line he said, “It’s too bad they don’t use real panda.”

Which got me to thinking.

A Panda is a big herbivore with a large amount of body fat.  They would probably taste delicious.

Of course, there are a few ethical issues with eating them, what with them being endangered and all.  Not to mention the whole mess of legal issues that would result.

But then I had another thought.  Cloning.

Science has already managed to successfully clone animals.  Cloned animals do not contribute to the bio-diversity of the species, so eating them shouldn’t cause any issues.  And as I understand it, the big drawback to clones is that due to some protein sequencing thingy in the cells the clone has a much shorter lifespan than the original.  Essentially they only have as much natural lifespan as the original gene-donor had left.  For animals being raised for food this would hardly be an issue.

From an environmental standpoint this could turn out to be a windfall.  A portion of the profits could probably be used to further panda-research and zoo facilities.  From the point of view of a restaurant serving panda, helping to fund them would just be good PR.  So in the long run it could easily be set up to benefit the panda species as a whole.

From a business standpoint I think this is an idea that could really take off.  There’s a certain percentage of people that will want to eat panda, simply because it’s endangered and probably expensive.  Bear in mind that there are people who will pay top dollar for raw poisonous fish, wine made with snakes, and coffee that has been pooped out of a civet.

For the curious, a civet is a small cat-mongoosey kind of critter from Africa that lives in trees, eats roots and berries, and can evidently poop coffee.

And panda could just be the start.  The are entire menus of tasty endangered animals that cloning technology could bring to the table.  You could easily create a venue that is like a cross between a Brazilian steakhouse and a World Wildlife Fund banquet gone horribly horribly awry.

Right in the lobby there could be a tank full of black footed ferrets.  With little rubber bands on their paws.

Now I imagine if such a restaurant was to open, Peta would have a royal cow over it.  Which means that they would protest it.  Which is just free advertising.  Besides, have you ever seen a Peta protest?  They put attractive college coeds, dressed in skimpy animal costumes, into cages.  Surrounding the customers with scantily clad young women rarely hurts a business, and there are several restaurants that make it a central theme to the decor.

Hell, I would advertise the protests just to get more customers to show up.

“Tonight we have Parmesan crusted sea lion rib-eye, dwarf lemur in a Bearnaise sauce, and several angry drama majors with daddy issues dressed as sexy pumas.”

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35 Responses to “Resturant Idea”

  1. Spidergrackle Says:

    OMFG. I think I just hurt myself laughing. Outstanding.


  2. Nutcase Says:

    wrong on so many levels but freaking hilarious!!!!!


  3. Andrew Says:

    Hmmm… Permesan Crusted Sea Lion, dwarf lemur in bernaise… What Sexy Coeds too?!?!? When are you opening the restaraunt? I’ll be your first customer!

    captcha: sane grains -At least there’s no mad cow disease


    barry reply on September 5th, 2008 2:53 am:

    just say when and where


    Signalist reply on August 19th, 2011 4:10 am:

    will there be grilled T-Rex? Please say there WILL be grilled T-Rex (come on, the Jurassic Park can’t be that far from being possible!)


  4. paula Says:

    I’d only be interested the coeds if they’re Chippendales-wannabes, but here’s another idea to help your resturant succeed: use the fur from your cloned entrees’ for seat covers. Then you’d have the Peta drama majors protesting the meat, plus the anti-fur groups — who seem to like to do thier protesting buck -naked, if you recall! — and you’d REALLY get the free publicity, and the customers would FIGHT to get in!

    ooooh, my captcha: signs soldiers! perfect!


    Spidergrackle reply on September 4th, 2008 8:47 pm:

    Well, the Fur-protesters also fling buckets of fake blood at people, which is OK if you’re into zombie PETA Drama Majors, but me, I don’t swing that way.


    Andrew reply on September 4th, 2008 9:05 pm:

    Heh… I’ve had that happen to me. I have a moose/caribou/rabbit/wolverine fur parka made by genuine eskimos that I was wearing during a cold winter. A couple of fur protesters thought to throw their fake blood (also know as red household paint) at me. Didn’t quite work out as all it did was scrap the apint off and hit the hide with a suede brush until it was clean.

    And those fur protesters confuse me. If someone has enough money to wear real fur, don’t they realize that if you ruin their fur, they are just going to go out and buy another. Their protests against fur, flinging buckets of red stuff, is actually helping the market and hurting their cause.


    Minty reply on September 5th, 2008 11:40 pm:

    What’s confused me about fur protesters in the past few years is exchanging blood for paint. I get the whole “fur is murder” thing that the blood is supposed to represent–and I get that they obtain the blood from butchers–but isn’t that a bit hypocritical in itself? I mean, here this “poor cow” has been cruelly slaughtered for human consumption (both nutritional and fashionable), and now they’re adding insult by slinging its blood around.

    Not to mention that yes, while blood stains, it only permanently stains non-fur garments. A couple of good cleanings, and those fur coats will get their luxurious sheen back. The paint, on the other hand, is much, much more expensive to remove, and even then still stains.

    Silly protesters.

    paula reply on September 4th, 2008 10:22 pm:

    dang, there’s always a drawback, isn’t there?!?

    captcha: men’s auto…. men’s auto WHATS, fer heavens sake?


  5. TGOBG Says:

    Several years ago, a Tampa DJ suggested we round up all the manatees left in Florida and place them into a protected area where we could monitor their health and breed them, many people thought it would be a good idea, until he added the caveat that I have heard those things are delicious


  6. JRGuinness Says:

    Did anybody else feel like they had missed out on something when they started reading this post?

    “Which got me to thinking.”

    What got you to thinking about eating pandas? Or do we really want to know?

    Captcha: JAMES coping – what Bond does to get through the day.


    skippy reply on September 4th, 2008 7:32 pm:

    hmmm. the first part seems to have gotten cut off somehow. I’ll put that back in.


  7. Andrew Says:

    BTW… Kopi Luwak (Civet poop coffee) isn’t collected from a African civet… It’s Indonesian.

    And the civet is more closely related to the skunk. They even have the spraying glands like a skunks.


    Angelus reply on September 4th, 2008 9:17 pm:

    And the product of that gland is actually used in many colognes and perfumes.


  8. Sean Says:

    I’m surprised no one’s bothered to mention a certain “Cat Scratch Fever” singer’s exotic meats company. The guy bow hunts a good amount of what he sells, and isn’t above eating any of it raw. Total carnivore, and probably be a good cross-marketing opportunity as you could secure a good and steady supply for the restaurant, and he could have his albums playing as the ambient music.


    Tony reply on September 4th, 2008 11:57 pm:

    i want to be just like ted nugent when i grow up.


    Sean reply on September 5th, 2008 12:18 am:

    The man is insane, but the melding of business models would be a freak of nature windfall.


  9. Jim C Says:

    Our local PETA groups had a fit over a billboard on I385. It was a beautiful woodland scene back light by the setting sun showing several animals in silhouette including deer and a squirrel. Below in large letters “There is room for all God’s creatures” and right under in slightly smaller letters “right next to the mashed potatoes”.

    It was for local restaurant that specializes in wild game such as Elk venison, Buffalo, Emu, Ali gator, and so on. It had to have been the best advertising the restaurant ever had. They even made up t-shirts to sell with the same picture.


  10. Kenny Says:

    You should pitch it to ted Turner…he’d have breeding Panda’s down to science and open a Restraurant chain in a couple years like he did with Bison :) mmm mmm good


  11. eastpaw Says:

    “Bear in mind that there are people who will pay top dollar for raw poisonous fish, wine made with snakes, and coffee that has been pooped out of a civet.”

    BEAR in mind… hehhehheh…

    Captcha: “value nude”. Ooooh yes.


  12. Courtney Says:

    Captcha: “passengers on” the highway to delicious endangered steaks.


  13. Jayson Says:

    The only problem with nekkid (or skimpy dressed) people protesting, is the same problem you get at nude beaches; no quality control.


    Stickfodder reply on September 5th, 2008 2:40 am:

    Yeah they might purposely start sending “lower quality” coeds.


  14. Viktor Says:

    “Tonight we have Parmesan crusted sea lion rib-eye, dwarf lemur in a Bearnaise sauce, and several angry drama majors with daddy issues dressed as sexy pumas.”

    I have to de-lurk just because I’m LMAO at this one.


  15. Cantih Says:

    And thus, part of “Transmetropolitan” shall come to pass.


    JRGuinness reply on September 5th, 2008 6:12 pm:

    Wow. Someone else who has read Transmet. I love to go back and read it every 4 years or so when the elections come around.

    Captcha: Hobbes policeman – What Calvin criminal fear. Or a giant sea monster with a badge and a gun.


    Ty reply on September 14th, 2008 7:24 pm:

    Gods I hope so… first this and then Long Pig. I imagine there are more than a few Ellis fans floating about here, not exactly by at least a similar sense of humour to Skippy. Sorta. Maybe.

    But really, I’ve always maintained that endangered animals are the most delicious, that’s why they’re endangered. Because they taste just that good! So yes, I’d eat at a restaurant offering endangered species. Hell I’m a cook, I’d work there!


  16. Tony Says:

    hey the way i look at it, if a pig wasn’t meant to be eaten then he wouldn’t be made out of bacon.


  17. braveheart Says:

    endangered species restaurant, nice, you could auction off the last condor egg omelet and serve blue whale burgers. anything to piss of peta. haha, i nearly cried reading this.


  18. TheShadowCat Says:

    Skippy, you are one sick puppy. What does this say about me since I check for updates everyday?


  19. Minty Says:

    “several angry drama majors with daddy issues dressed as sexy pumas.”

    Ever notice how these protesters never dress up as an endangered species that’s not cute and cuddly? Like what about the Guinea Worm (see: http://www.deadlysins.com/guineaworm/index.htm )? Just because it sees us as food doesn’t mean it has no right to live!

    Captcha: “falsehood winds.” We’re on to you now, PETA!


    Snyarhedir reply on March 22nd, 2011 12:06 am:

    The Guinea worm is not much unlike a mosquito or louse according to that website, or maybe a tapeworm. Of course, tapeworms are just plain bad for all other animals. Heck, mosquitos do not even use other bodies as hosts–they just draw blood. If not for malaria and the West Nile virus, mosquitos would be perfectly acceptable–they are among the few animals that can sustain themselves without killing/maiming something/someone else (unless you count blood cells).


    Snyarhedir reply on March 22nd, 2011 12:08 am:

    Or just plain harming, in contrast to tapeworms.


  20. AriesOmega Says:

    My my my. When this fine dinning establishment opens sign me up for the spotted owl pot pie and a drama major with daddy issues!

    I laughed so hard reading this post.


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