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How you doin?

July 24th, 2008 by LT Ronald

I graduated high school at the age of 17 and had my heart set on a service academy. West Point or Air Force, however I didn’t take into account that just meeting the minimum 1200 on the SATs would not guarantee me acceptance. It didn’t.

I still wanted to get away from mom and dad and not have them hold college tuition over my head to control my behaviors. So I took a scholarship to Georgia Military College, and went there with the intent to enjoy the southern belles, and introduce them to a whole new brand of Man-whore, yankee style.

I enjoyed a few lovely belles my first year there, but was smitten with the local preacher’s daughter who would go out with me, but not give in to my amorous advances. This girl was beautiful, but beyond that she was unlike any other girl I had seen. She would wash and wax my car, she would wash and iron my clothes and uniforms to include my underwear, she would cook me the best dinners, back rubs and foot massages were routine, because she enjoyed taking care of her man, and I was even allowed to spend nights at her house on weekends (though on the couch).

The sexual tension was insane, she was after all a repressed southern baptist preacher’s daughter. After a few months she told me that she wanted to give me whatever I wanted, but that I had to be “clean” for her and therefor I had to get myself tested for STDs. I figured that was probably a pretty good idea considering that I had been pretty active the previous year, and I was willing to do whatever necessary to get with this girl.

The next week I showed up at the free clinic, paid my 15$, and was led through a few stations by a very striking young nurse. I made it a point to flirt with this lady throughout the testing. She drew my blood, had me pee in a cup, and then took me into a private room and told me to drop my drawers. Being only 18, I had no idea what was in store for me, but judging by all of the smuggled pornographic movies that I had seen as a teenager I thought that I did.

I dropped my drawers, put my hands on my hips, gave her a wink, and said in my best Joey Tribbiani impersonation “How you doin?” She smiled and dropped to her knees. She gently grasped my manhood, looked up at me with the loveliest doe eyes, and quickly shoved a triple sized, spiraled, metal Q-tip up the head of my penis, and yanked it out just as quick.

As I looked down at her (now clinging to the ceiling tiles with my finger and toe nails like a cat) she gave me a wink and said in her best Joey Tribbiani impersonation “How you Doin?”

I now know why when people are faced with the possibility of doing something unpleasant that they say “I’d rather be tested for the clap”.

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19 Responses to “How you doin?”

  1. Kris Says:

    Oh God. Oh dear God.


  2. Scott Says:

    You cant stop there ! what happened with the preachers daughter ?

    Coem on, go on, go on, go on, go on ….


    LT Ronald reply on July 24th, 2008 7:05 pm:

    Okay, okay. The preachers daughter and I had an excellent 2 1/2 month relationship afterwords, great sex (even did a partner swap with my buddy and his girl in the back of the same van), I went to ROTC camps and home to PA at the end of freshman year, came back and she and her family had moved, never saw or heard from her again. I was just a kid and so was she, niether of us were looking for anything more, but I did learn to appreciate a girl who is all about “taking car of her man”. My current girlfriend is a lot like that and absolutely gorgeous.


    Minty reply on July 24th, 2008 11:43 pm:

    I have no problem with “taking care of [my] man,” but waxing his car? He’s on his own with that one.


  3. Sean Says:

    Pleas continue this story, if only to give it a happy ending… I’m ready to cry in sympathy…..

    Hundreds of years, thousands of medical advances, and we still have to resort to such barbaric means to test for such diseases….won’t somebody think of the wangs?

    Captcha= explored hospital. Yes, you certianly were, and yes, you certainly did. *shudder*


  4. Christopher Says:

    This reminded me that my very first 1st Sergeant in the Air Force was also the “Rod Champion” with something like 17 visits to the South Korean VD clinic.

    There but for the grace of God go I…


  5. Stickfodder Says:

    I did not realize that they do that, that story brings back nightmares of the time I had a catheter to treat some problems I had with my kidneys the biggest problem is that I was like 3 and I still remember it. Such wonderful first memories.


  6. A B Says:

    Pff. A qtip up yer thingy? Try a bag of saline solution inflating a balloon inside your uterus through a catheter after having a speculum shoved so deep inside your hoohah you have to wonder if the good doctor is looking for candy.

    Now THATS some fun shit… because then you’re leaking all over the place afterwards.

    Men. Pff.


    paula reply on July 24th, 2008 8:46 pm:

    And mammograms, don’t forget mammograms! Lots of fun there, what with getting your boob squished as tight as they can mash it between two plates — and doctors wonder why a lot of women avoid ’em!

    captcha: during enduring…. yeah, that kinda gives the idea


  7. Andrew Says:

    Try this one on… An ex-girlfriend called me up about 2 months after our break-up. Well I guess I had better start from the top rather than in the middle.

    I was dating a wonderful yound lady and things progressed to the intimate stage. Well come to find out she was a virgin before she met me. Progress eight months and we have a very nasty break up, mostly due the that fact that I had to go away for a few months and within the first month she was married and pregnant. So two months after our breakup she gives me a call and informs me that I gave her gonorrhea. Now I had just gotten a severe chemical burn down there, my first and last experirience with KYs Warming gel, but I wasn’t feeling any other kind of “burn.”

    Now I’ve been told through High School, college, basic training and tech school that you don’t alwys feel the “burn.” So I went and got tested. I also decided to do the full spectrum test because it had been 8 years and a couple dozen partners (about half of which were strippers) since my last. All the above was inclusive, though I was expecting the q-tip, but what I wasn’t expecting was the nurse to take a look at the burns and decide she wanted a skin and fluid sample from them. Yep, she scraped the already painful blisters with a scalpel until on popped, got out another q-tip and none to gently took a fluid sample, and then used a pair of forceps to peel off some of the skin.

    Here is the happy ending. I was completely clean, and the tissue and fluid sample revealed that those blisters were indeed simple burns. I called my ex and informed her that the tests came back clean and to speak with her husband about her condition. Her reply was priceless becuase I’ve used it many times myself:

    “It can’t possibly be my husband! It has to be you because he and you are the only two men I’ve ever been with and he was a virgin when we first had sex!”


    Stickfodder reply on July 25th, 2008 1:20 am:

    Yeah I guess that the fact that I’ve “never been touched” sucks on some levels but it’s nice that I don’t have to be tested for STD’s. Yet.


    Fenrir reply on July 25th, 2008 1:29 am:

    So… He either lied to your ex in the first place, or he’s cheated on her since. Very nice.

    And to the story itself, always ‘fun’ to be ‘rodded off the range’.


    Andrew reply on July 25th, 2008 2:25 am:

    I’ve met the guy since the incident and he probably did both. Judging by the timeframes involved and the incubation period of gonorrhea, he had it before they met. So we are looking at the clasic case of a guy saying “I’m still a virgin” so women will pity them and have sex with them. Also, considering the fact that he told the lady (and I use the term loosely) who is my wife what he wanted to do with her, in lurid detail, I do believe the guy prolly cheated on my ex- too.

    He isn’t too bright either, as one of his arguements for his cause while trying to get my wife to sleep with him was, “Well I’ve been with one of his ex-girlfriends so I’m sure he wouldn’t mind sharing you with me.” I’d told my wife all about the incident the first night we met.

    Charleton Gasser – Is that like Hannibal the Cannibal?


  8. Minty Says:

    “‘He was a virgin when we first had sex!'”

    I just love the fact that people still define “virginity” as “untouched.”

    Captcha: “shall Babcock.” I dunno, that just sounds dirty to me. . .;)


  9. TheShadowCat Says:

    That is going to have me giggling all day.


  10. SrA Says:

    this may sound bad, but i like that chick’s sense of humor, of course i’m not a dude, so don’t get the sympathy pains.


  11. McNally Says:

    I had a girlfriend who, after we broke up, let me know she had chlamydia. This confused the fuck out of me, because I had just gotten back from Fort Knox and I was most certainly clean when I left. She didn’t get it from me.

    But, to make sure I didn’t get it from her, I went to the Quack Shack to get checked. Thankfully, I didn’t get rodded: The doctor was kind enough to tell me that the needed fluids could be “milked” out. She will forever hold a special place in my heart because of it.

    My results came back negative for any sort of Too Much of a Good Thing Syndrome, leaving me confused. The confusion got even worse when, when speaking with this ex- a few weeks later, she referred to the episode as a “pregnancy scare.”

    English isn’t her first language. But how in the hell do you screw up “chlamydia” and “pregnancy”?


  12. StoneWolf Says:

    I had an uncle who had some sort of medical problem and ended up unconcious and in a hospital. When he woke up he decided he was leaving. The nurse on hand told him he had to wait to be released as they had a few procedures to finish. Being a macho sort of fellow my uncle politly ingored the nurse and got out of the bed. He then realized that “a few procedures to finish” included removing his catheter. He now waits politly for nurses to tell him he can leave.


  13. Snyarhedir Says:

    That sounds incredibly painful. Nothing is ever supposed to go into the urethra, unless it is an injection (not into the hole, of course!) for medical purposes, or as part of a surgery.

    I will not disclose my sex (or race, or anything else) at this moment, but I have to think back to an episode of Law & Order where an eleven (?) year old girl suffered trauma, complete with bleeding, to the vagina from an assault by a pedophile. I imagine it must have been something like that, though probably not entirely as painful (and almost certainly not as harmful).


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