Captcha: stated Edgecombe - No, stated Tzanti

(The punch line is some big hairy biker type dude lets one rip and in a small voice says “bunny farts.” Of course the fact that he isn’y a bunny, and his farts smell like he has been chewing on week dead road kill while swilling cheap beer and humping a skunk, makes all the funnier. That is until his gastrointestinal release hits you. Then it hillarious as you run out of the place before your nosehairs curl.)

“I am currently looking for myself. If I should return before I find myself, keep me here till I get back. Leave a message after the burp.”

Captcha: whereby hospitals… whereby hospitals what?

My unit does monthly “random” urinalysis’. I highlight random in this case because I live (according to main-stream conventions, and the military) an “alternative lifestyle.” I was being hit with tests every month for almost 2 years straight. Now this would have been funny if it was a simple as go pee in a cup and go back to work. However, despite the tests being on the same day every month (great randomization there), this was normally a four or five hour ordeal where once we enter the building we are not allowed to leave, for any reason, until we pee in the cup. The people who did the tests never seemed to be prepared for it either because we’d all show up on time, then spend two hours waiting while they got ready, found monitors, found the cups, located the bathroom, etc. Then all the people with mission essential jobs (any E-8, E-9, or O-4 and higher) got to cut in line and perform their tests first. Now me being a lowly E-4 means I get to wait and wait and wait till I ran screaming to the bathroom when my name was called so that my bladder wouldn’t explode.

Then I discovered the secret, simply sit in the waiting room and twitch while crossing and uncrossing your legs in a regularly increasing pattern, and make comments like “I think I’m going to need (x number) of cups,” where x is the number of minutes past the first 10. Also make comments about how the entire mission will fail if you don’t perform some obscure repair before all the mission critical personel return to their offices.

And FYI, the other secret I learned is how to avoid taking the test entirely. Simply find your testing manager (ours is the First Sergeant) and pester the hell out of him/her volunteering for the urinalysis. Do this at least once a week and when that monthly test comes around, viola! Your name is off the list. Side benefit, if you come to you 1st Sgt with something other than volunteering for a UA then they will hear you out to the end because you aren’t really pestering them.

Now to end this with a laugh… People talk about it all the time, but have you ever actually heard a bunny fart?