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Archive for July 10th, 2008

George Bush Hates Elves

Thursday, July 10th, 2008

I’m not sure how many people caught this story last week, but there is a 50/50 chance the North Pole will melt away and be ice free by September.

Oh, sure, the ice will come back in the winter, but still, if this does not tell you global warming is happening, I am not sure what will.

But, this is not an eco-rant, so if you are a right wing ass hat that does not believe in global warming, I’m not going to bust your balls about polar bears or rising ocean levels or any of that. No, I am going to find a new way to convince you that this is a serious issue that needs to be addressed, and it has to do with your children.

And before you think you know where I am going, I want to tell you that this is not one of those, “what kind of world do you want to leave your children” things, either.

The reason you need to acknowledge global warming and help the rest of us take action to reverse it is… what are you going to tell your children when they ask where Santa Claus lives?

You won’t be able to tell them he lives at the North Pole anymore, because the ice that Santa’s workshop is built on won’t be there, thus his whole workshop will sink into the ocean.

Are you going to tell them about the great evacuation of the elves when the ocean overtook the workshop?

Are you going to tell them about the elves that couldn’t get out and ended up drowning because not enough boats were available for all of them?

Where are you going to tell them that Santa and the elves relocated to? Will you tell them about how many of them are living with relatives in various cities and countries around the world, and how some of the elves are now homeless?

Will you tell your kids about how the governments of the world failed to stop the North Pole from melting by ignoring global warming, and how they responded to slowly to evacuate and/or rescue the elves when the North Pole ice cap disappeared?

And how will you explain that not all of the elves were able to get their old jobs back, because Santa is now outsourcing, and all the toys are now made in Santa’s new workshop by a magickal people called the Chinese?

But then again, if you are willing to lie about a fat man that delivers toys to all the children in the world, in one night, by means of flying reindeer, then I guess you will have no problems lying to your kids about the North Pole still being there too.

The only problem is, one day your kids will learn that there is no Santa, and there is no Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy either. They will learn that there is no longer a North Pole. Then they will wonder what else you lied about, and may even begin to question other things you taught them, like whether there is a god, or that sex is best saved for marriage, or that homosexuality is wrong.

But it is a slippery slope, eventually they won’t even believe you about things like looking both ways before crossing the street, and then your kids end up getting run over by a bus or something.

So, if you don’t want your kids to get hit by buses and be godless homosexuals having sex outside of marriage, perhaps you should recognize that global warming is a problem and try to help us reverse it.

Save an elf. Stop driving S.U.V.s.