Australian For “Things You Can’t Do”
This weeks list of bad military ideas comes from an Army Cadet in the Australian military. Which should probably be terrifying if you are a soldier in the Australian military.
(Submitted by Cadet Who?)
- Must not refer to a lanyard as a “ropey thingy”
- Must not use a lanyard to hang an NCO, salve no matter how much I hate them
- Must not use wit to come up with “funny” rhymes about NCO’s
- The chain of command doesn’t care how long I have played PS2 for, medic I still have to do drill
- Ghostmas is not a real religious holiday and I shouldn’t take time off cadets for it
- I am not the crazy cat lady
- I must not make my personal army of cats
- I am not in charge of the zero gravity universe
- There is no such thing as the zero gravity universe
- I am no longer to do the “Eden” dance
- I am no longer allowed to dance the “Krystal”
- Walter the bank guy (deal or no deal) is not my home dog
- Using large amounts of hair gel causes cancer and hair loss, doctor think about it
- I am not the president of Uzbekistan
- I am not to cover the parade ground with sand and create a Zen garden
- I am not allowed to re-enact anything from Jackass
- I am not to see how many marshmallows I can shove up my nose
- When in cold conditions, I am not allowed to lick poles
- I am not allowed to steal the company’s flag, this achieves nothing
- I am not to push that button on the radio while someone is talking
- I am not to inquire how to make “cadet cocaine”
- I am not to flatten my face against windows
- I am not to convert people to “The Dark side”
- “The Dark side” does not have cookies
- I am not to go into the Q store and become “The Magical Scrim Monster”
- I am not Fergalicious
- I am not to encourage other cadets to irritate the NCO’s
- “Point and laugh” is not a drill move
- I am not to go on a mission based solely on pushing over sleeping cows
- I must not put the bandages used for First-Aid lessons in my mouth, I don’t know where they’ve been
- I cannot fly and I should not test this
- There’s no such thing as “scrim attack”
- Manikin look-a-likes of me don’t replace me at lessons, camps or parades
- I don’t know kung-fu, and I should not say this
- I do not have an evil twin
- I am not to get other sections lost on purpose, even if it is funny
- The SSGT is not a member of Al-Qaeda
- Saying that I was dropped on my head at birth does not justify anything bad I have done
- I am to speak English at all times, Not German, not Chinese, English
- I am not bringing Sexy back
- If I start seeing Leprechauns, I’ve drunk too much coke
- I am not to do anything I saw in the movie “Jarhead”, especially “field f**k”
- I am not to taunt the air-force cadets anymore
- The SSGT is not a ferret, even though with his new hair style he does look like one.
- New recruits are not “cannon fodder”
- I must not itch myself with a loaded steyer
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June 9th, 2008 at 10:03 am
I have to disagree with the whole “‘The Dark side’ does not have cookies” comment. We do too have cookies! In fact we have many different kinds of cookies, chocolate chip, peanut butter, sugar, you name it we have it. We also have the best costumes!
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Stickfodder reply on June 10th, 2008 1:24 pm:
Yeah those pussy Jedi’s don’t get to black! and i bet they dont’t even get to indulge in cookies. c’mon join the dark side its fun here you know you want to join us!
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SrA Monty reply on August 1st, 2008 8:03 am:
Indeed + We get to make with the sweet loving after we have cookies non of that love leads to attachmints, attachmints lead to loss, loss leads to pain, pain leads to the dark side. Give it up yoda we got cookies
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David B reply on March 10th, 2014 2:08 pm:
Yes, but the Jedi’s have weed!
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June 9th, 2008 at 10:14 am
hahaha! a lot of that sounds familiar.
> No one is to sing the ‘Airy Fairy’ song in the presence of officers.
> Especially not Air Force ones.
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June 10th, 2008 at 12:54 am
“The Dark side” does not have cookies
That is a bold faced lie! They do have cookies, girl scouts sell them. They are quite yummy and are actually slimming.
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June 10th, 2008 at 1:26 am
I dont wanna know where the steyer waser
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June 10th, 2008 at 3:18 am
I’m sorry, but I just have to ask:
If any of you asked someone if they were dropped on their head as a child after they did something stupid, and they replied “actually, yes, sir/ma’am, I was,” what would your reaction be?
Other than the obvious pushups, latrine duty, etc. I mean, what would your first reaction be?
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Raven Prometheus reply on June 10th, 2008 6:23 pm:
Actually, I saw something very similar. Drill Sgt: “private, did you ride the short bus to school?”
Private:
Actually, Drill Sergeant, yes I did. and, with all do respect, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t make fun of me for it.” Now, she used proper protocol when speaking to an NCO, and it was the first thing she had done right pretty much all cycle, ao thyere wasn’t much he could do to her. He could, however, smoke the rest of us for laughing at her reply….
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Minty reply on June 12th, 2008 7:18 am:
But what was his reaction? Did he sort of gape at her for a moment, or blink and say, “oh, okay, then,” and then rip everyone else a new one for laughing?
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Raven Prometheus reply on June 12th, 2008 9:36 am:
He didn’t so much as say it, no. He did do the “slow double blink” thing. And then he got a look on his face that just said “Well, okay, then.” By this time we were all rolling (figuratively), so he took us out to a steep hill for some rolling (literally).
CDT Who? reply on July 7th, 2008 10:40 am:
I would say “Oh, ok then” but I wouldn’t punish them.
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June 11th, 2008 at 2:01 am
“Steyer” is a bull-pup style rifle used by the Aus Army and sever other nations
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June 11th, 2008 at 2:35 am
I am not to convert people to “The Dark side”
Isn’t converting people to the dark side the meaning of life and the meaning of everything else?
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Weatherbabe reply on April 4th, 2009 4:46 pm:
Not sure but it is fun.
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June 11th, 2008 at 2:38 am
no its more of a Sith or Jedi thing, lol
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June 12th, 2008 at 8:11 am
Of course the Dark Side doesn’t have cookies. We have chocolate! Deep, dark, luscious chocolate.
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June 12th, 2008 at 9:46 am
Awww… this one has things that cadets can’t do…
/cadet=red scarf
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June 13th, 2008 at 7:36 am
*laughs* This list serves as another big-ass reminder of why the Aussies rock.
And wait a damn minute…the Dark Side doesn’t have cookies? Then why the hell did I join it?
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March 22nd, 2009 at 2:33 am
‘I am not to go on a mission based solely on pushing over sleeping cows’
Cow tipping should be an olympic sport.
Aussies are bringing sexy back. yeah. >8D
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August 3rd, 2010 at 3:36 pm
back when i was in the cadets at school we went for a weekend at Warcop Training Area (where most of the UK military finishes their training), and had to do the assault course. for this, we were divided into 3 groups: the guys who were doing some competition thing in a couple of weekends, which had a fitness part, shooting part and some sort of night exercise, so were naturally (meant) to be the best there. then there were the pretty fit cadets, and the final group that i was in, of the less fit cadets. the first group got an overall time of 12 minutes something, which we were told is pretty respectable for the actual squaddies, nevermind a bunch of 16-17 year olds. the second group got a time of about 14 minutes, which is about average for cadets. then our group, filled with nerds, came along, and did it in 11 minutes, just by quickly working out the most efficient ways of doing all the obstacles. one of the sergeants came over and asked us how the hell we managed it, and i made the mistake of giving an answer that got us nothing but pain for the rest of the weekend… “passing our GCSE’s helped, Sergeant.”
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