Archive for May, 2008

More Items For The Friends Of Skippy List

Monday, May 12th, 2008

Just a quick reminder before I commence the list. I am still accepting funny military stories from guest authors. So if you have any humorous stories, anecdotes, or confessions, go ahead and send them in. If you request it I can even post them without any identifying information in case you are still serving with people who did not find your story particularly amusing.

(Submitted By Hector Rojasalvarado)

  • Not allowed to borrow gear from the army barracks for “White Trash Drinking Day”
  • Rojas isn’t allowed to take “1400 Siestas” because he says he’s ‘Latino”
  • We aren’t allowed to have “DVDA Auditions” at the barracks anymore.
  • Rojas is not allowed to talk about DVDA anymore.
  • We aren’t allowed to fortify the barracks for the upcoming “Zombie Invasion”
  • Can’t list Chuck Norris facts on the morning briefs.
  • Not allowed to take reporters from London to interview hookers on hooker hill.

(Submitted By Garret Harvey)

  • Do not put in a special request chit for admiral’s pay and when asked why say it was so you could afford the “good” hookers.
  • Do not go to a bar and ask if they take ration cards.

(Submitted By SGT B)

  • When having to go through DECON, using a sharpie to draw the “Kilroy was Here” face at my belt line is not the best idea.
  • *Nor is “Property of 1SG” with arrows to my nipples.
  • Not allowed to urinate messages onto the ground so they may be seen by the pilots above using thermal imaging.
  • Must not use the pamphlet printer to make “Wet Burka Night with 1/2 off Chai” posters.
  • I will not use the excuse “Dont worry I saw it on The Unit”.
  • A little guy plus a KPOT does not constitute a “breaching tool”.

(Submitted By Don Gulas)

  • My buddy was spontaneously ordered not to retrieve his scorpion from the fight when it was losing—badly—.
  • Shooting the platoon sergeant after being given the order to kill them all is bad (thank the pentagon for MILES gear Mr. Platoon SGT!)
  • Asking the Mess Daddy for an MRE (while in the chow line) does not make him smile. It has been know to ruin you first hot meal in 2 weeks.
  • Tankers do not drive like Miss Daisey (no matter what you see).
  • Inverting a Soldiers name and title just so you can call him “Sweet Seaman” is not an official name change. It MUST be on a DA Form 4187 and approved by the commander first.
  • You should not be present when the commander receives said 4187, and do not try to offer any explanation at the time of questioning.

SPC Creed

Friday, May 9th, 2008

Thanks to Andrew Adams for this one.

Edit: Link doesn’t work right, but it works if you cut and paste it into your browser.

http://www.bdmhistory.com/elusive/comic/strips/spc_creed.jpg

 

A Peace Offering to the Furries.

Friday, May 9th, 2008

Dear Furries,

I know I have not exactly been kind to your particular brand of dorkdom/fetish, but I just saw some fascinating videos that made me think of you, and perhaps we can come to a truce of sorts.

This is not exactly “furry” but it is people in animal costumes having sex. So, if you would like to see Isabella Rossellini dressed in insect costumes, mimicking having sex as that insect, then you furries will love this. And yes, it is even work safe! How cool is that?

http://www.sundancechannel.com/blogs/thegreen/390335912

I figure this will either turn you furries on, or it will show you how the rest of us view furries, except that we don’t find you educational. Either way, you can’t lose, and you just might learn something.

Hugs and Kisses,

Michiel

Edited to correct the link.  Thank you Stephanie

A Painful Story

Thursday, May 8th, 2008

This might be painful to read. Just a warning.

One of the things that tends to get glossed over in various discussions of the current war is the severe emotional toll that gets inflicted on our troops during a conflict. You occasionally hear something in the news, but for the most part people just don’t notice. And for many soldiers even admitting that these problems exits is taboo. Real soldiers don’t get worn down emotionally. Only weak soldiers do.

I have considered this carefully, and decided that I am going to share my experience on this subject. Long time readers may recall that I served in Bosnia and Kosovo. Bosnia wasn’t really all that bad. By the time I showed up the multi-national force had been in place for several years. I worked in an office, and for the most of the serious fighting had ended by the time I arrived.

But Kosovo was another matter.

Now before I go into this I want to stress a few things. I am not trying to claim that my experience in Kosovo was as bad as what soldiers in other conflicts had to deal with. This isn’t about being in some sort of pissing contest with other veterans. Soldiers in Afghanistan and Iraq experienced far worse than me. I don’t even like imagining what soldiers in Viet Nam went through. And many soldiers got through those conflicts emotionally unscathed. This is actually what trips some people up. They compare themselves to other soldiers in other conflicts and go, “Well it wasn’t as bad as they had it. I don’t have the right to feel all messed up.” But it’s not about how bad other people had it. Its about what you went through, and how it made you feel.

In Kosovo I was in a non-combat, tactical unit. This meant we traveled around “outside the wire” all day, but we weren’t specifically tasked with patrolling or engaging hostile units. We got to speak to the locals, find out their needs, advise them on US Army activities, and try to help encourage a better relationship between them and US Forces. Oh, also we were supposed to undo roughly 300 years of ethnic strife.

I wasn’t involved with very much combat. There was some while I was there, but for the most part, I was pretty lucky and avoided the worst of it.

But the sheer amount of suffering that the locals had gone through started to grind on me after a while. That and the fact that even after all that suffering, nobody was willing to quit. It was like the entire country was one giant asylum filled with the violently insane. People treated grudges from four generation ago the way you or I would treat something that happened yesterday.

And when you’re in the Army, it’s not cool to talk about how stuff like that is starting to seriously bug you. And so I kept it to myself.

Eventually I shipped back to the states. And then I had trouble sleeping. And I started snapping at the people I worked around. Eventually I decided that I needed to take up some sort of hobby in an attempt to get back into a decent head space. Since I used to build models when I was in high school, I decided to give that a try. And as I have always been a huge history nerd, I got a scale model of a Mesopotamian step pyramid. Over the course of a week, I put that sucker together until after a particularly bad day, I took it out to the parking lot and set in on fire. One of my NCOs noticed me doing this and gave me a “Are you nuts?” look, but he left it alone.

Well I felt kind of stupid after that, so I bought another one, and tried to finish it again. I got closer to finishing it, but again, a bad day set me into a rage and I took it outside and put it to the torch.

The same NCO witnessed this act as well and he decided that something was wrong. And The next day I found myself ordered to go to the health clinic to see about getting some help.

And that’s when the doctor told me the news:

“Son, if you don’t stop smoking ziggurats it’s gonna kill you.”

A Modest Proposal

Wednesday, May 7th, 2008

For those of you who are just reading for the first time check out this post from last week.

So I have been leaving comments in Amy Proctor’s site about this, and my feelings on the subject. I pointed out that nearly every argument that she made could be applied towards banning a religion from the post, provided that someone else objected to it.

She responded with:
“Right, Skippy, banning the sexualization of women for profit on posts and banning religion are one in the same. I don’t know why i didn’t see it sooner.”

Actually, it is the same thing.

It is the exact same thing.

It is allowing one group to look at another and say, “You can’t do that because I don’t like it”. It is saying “You shouldn’t be allowed to make decisions that I don’t agree with.”

And if religion gets a free ride, what then happens when someone makes a religion around porn? There is already one based around the Jedi Knights. So its more probable that you would think. I’m sure the argument would become “No, only real religions get protected status”. Call me on it if I’m wrong, Amy.

But the Army, for better or for worse, can and does limit religious expression on post. Rastafarian’s don’t smoke pot, Wiccans could barely practice and not have their sacred items confiscated, and I’m positive that no one will be sacrificing a POW to Tláloc to ensure a good rainy season and bountiful harvest anytime soon. Heck, I’m pretty sure that the Westboro Baptist Church wouldn’t be welcome on most bases.

Now, people have tried arguing with her on facts. The damage that she claims porn will cause has not materialized in societies where porn is accepted. Nor have these kinds of harm shown up in societies that have newly accepted porn.

But facts would not sway her.

And people tried logic. They pointed out that ink and paper can’t hurt someone. That magazines sealed in plastic don’t actually effect her simply by existing. The whole “they are harmful on post but safe if stored five minutes away” borders on superstition. That, or the belief that they are somehow radioactive. (Completely inappropriate side note: What superpowers would you get from a radioactive adult magazine? Defend your choices.)

Logic would not budge her.

And so I am left with my last, and perhaps strongest tool.

Farce.

A Modest Proposal…..For Military Bases

As Amy has pointed out, people who claim to support the military and our troops must also support the families of our soldiers. There are a growing number of soldiers who also have families. And our soldiers must be secure in the knowledge that their wives, and more importantly, their children, will receive adequate care and protection at all times. A soldier who is insecure about his family’s well-being is a soldier that cannot focus on his job. And when soldiers cannot focus on their jobs it can lead to unnecessary waste, accidents, and even death.

And so, I am forced to draw your attention to a growing danger facing our military families.

Catholicism.

“But Skippy”, you might say, “Catholicism is a religion. How can you accuse a religion of being dangerous to the military family?”

And so I will demonstrate the harm.

First of all, Catholics teach symbolic cannibalism. It’s right there during Mass, where everyone can see it. Now, if a consenting adult wishes to partake in such activities during their free time, that is their right. But it should certainly be limited to off-post, because non-Catholics shouldn’t have to have their children exposed to the idea that it is okay to eat people.

Secondly, Catholics drink wine as part of their religious services. Again, adults should be allowed to whatever they like, but there are children on Army bases now. And children shouldn’t be encouraged to drink. Because alcohol has been positively linked to alcoholism.

The current leader of the Catholic Church is a former Hitler Youth. An organization that teaches that Nazis are the infallible representatives of God’s will is on our Army bases? Goodness I should hope not.

And many people worry, justifiably I might add, that certain practices on base might harm our children. But who has time to worry about ink and glossy paper when there are children who have been irreparably harmed by Catholicism? By having turgid priest injected directly into their buttholes. Which the Church condoned by covering up. And then assigning the priests to go work with other children. I don’t think that child rapists, or their apologists, belong in the same places as our soldier’s families.

And this is just the modern, current era issues. Let’s not forget the Crusades, institutionalized torture, the Inquisition, witch trials, the selling of indulgences, religious suppression, the consumption of fish on Friday, and genocide. It’s like a laundry list of unacceptable behavior.

Now I’m not saying that soldiers shouldn’t be allowed to practice their faith as they see fit. After all, they are adults and their free time is theirs to do with as they please. I’m just pointing out that common sense dictates that the behavior of the Catholic Church is incompatible with military families.

And really, is it such a big deal to make all of the Catholics go off-post to spend their free time in the manner that they so choose? I would think that the well-being of the children should definitely come first, before the selfish desires of the Catholic Faithful.

So many levels of irony. - Why outsourcing has to stop.

Tuesday, May 6th, 2008
OK, I’m out of work and on unemployment. I have been working on the phones in various customer service roles over the last several years. Being that I am unemployed, the state of Texas provides me with a Chase bank card, to pay me the unemployment insurance that is due to me.

So far so good.

Well I was online and had a question about the available balance. Since the Chase website does not show pending charges, I just wanted to confirm what was there, just to make sure I don’t spend more than I have, especially with rent coming up, so I call the bank to speak to someone.

I get a guy who is obviously not from the U.S., which does not mean he is not here in the U.S. But, since they are asking for name and Social Security numbers and account numbers, I thought I would ask where the guy was because I know a lot of fraud and identity theft occur outside of the U.S. Not that someone in the US can not use that same information for fraudulent purposes, I just feel better about it somehow.

So I ask him, “What country are you in?”

“For security purposes, I can not give out that information.”

… (blink) , “You can’t tell me what country you are in?”

“No, sir. For security reasons I can not give the location of this facility.”

“You’re in India, aren’t you?”

“For security purposes, I can not give out that information.”

“Let me talk to your supervisor.”

“I’ll get a supervisor on the line, please hold.”

So, at this point I am hoping to get someone in the U.S. or at least an Indian with a little more sense.

“Hello, my name is (insert generic American sounding name here, I think it was Brett or Brad or Trent or something), I am a supervisor here, how may I help you?”

“Well I had some questions about my account, but I do want to know what country I am calling first, and the previous agent would not tell me. So, first off, I want to know, what country are you in?”

“For security purposes, I can not give out that information.”

“Are you in the U.S.”

“For security purposes, I can not give out that information.”

“Are you in India?”

“For security purposes, I can not provide you with the location of our center.”

“OK, are you on the North American continent?”

“I can not give out that information.”

“What planet are you on?”

“I can not give out that information. Is there something else I can do to assist you?”

… (blink) … (blink) … (jaw very slowly descends to floor) It was somewhere around here that I gave up and told him that, if he can’t tell me what country or planet he is on, that he can not help me period. I ended the call.

I eventually called back and got a nice girl, here in the U.S. She was hoping that she would not get in trouble for providing that information, but she figured that confirming she was in the U.S. was generic enough of a location that she could respond to me.

I just find it ironic that I am having a hard time finding a job doing similar work to the kind of work these people do, thus I am collecting unemployment and having to call India, for support on my unemployment insurance account.

This is just another fine example of how American business practices, and your taxes are working hard to help your fellow Americans live the American Dream. Which reminds me, how much longer until I get my tax rebate check? I can really use that about now, I got some bills to catch up on.

(The system isn’t broken. Go back to sleep America. Everything is fine. There is nothing to see here.)

(sleep)

(sleep)

(sleep)

More New Friends of Skippy

Monday, May 5th, 2008

For those wondering how this works, every once in a while I go through the emails with new items that have been submitted to me and then add them to the Friends list. So if you have your own items that you would like to see added, email them to me. If you put them in the comments section I probably won’t add them to the next update because 1) I am incredibly lazy, and 2) I’m not going to make a post where I just repeat what was put into my comment section.

So without further ado, here are the new items.

(Submitted By Robert W. Ray)

  • Do not antagonize Airborne troops by having the local radio station dedicate “Raspberry Beret” to them on the Lunch Dedication Show.
  • Do not explain the theft of MREs as trying to improve company morale by removing the bad choices.
  • Do not use Mountain Dew bottles as a piss bottle on an FTX, then put them in the snow as if you were chilling them for drinks later.
  • Do not, under any circumstances, confuse the aforementioned bottles with the ones you were actually chilling.

(Submitted By Ryan Simmons)

  • The American Navy does not make port visits to rape and pillage.
  • Request chits saying, “Respectfully requesting a bullet to the head.” will always be denied.
  • I am not allowed to force any other sailor into a straight jacket.
  • I am not allowed to tempt someone into a straight jacket to see if they can get out while they are logged onto a command pc, and then write love emails on their account to other sailors while they frantically try to turn off the computer by kicking it.
  • I’m not allowed to blurt out “Holy shit!” over the com line while I am working on a multi-million dollar component of mission critical equipment that everyone is hoping I can fix.
  • I am not allowed to ask Canadian sailors if they have aquatic sleds for small boat operations.
  • I am not allowed to tell foreigners, “At least you smell better than the French.” while in uniform.
  • I am not allowed to eat so many carrots that my skin turns orange and then sing the Oompa Loompa song in formation.
  • The sound of the Phalanx anti-missile defense system going off is not just a way to alert the crew that the ship is about to sink.
  • I’m not allowed to take pictures of various crew members vomiting after a night of drinking and then post it on the command website.
  • I’m not allowed to run away from the XO.

(Submitted By Reggie Taylor)

  • Sponge Bob Square Pants is not a proper cadence for marching
  • Especially when a Command Sergeant Major is nearby

(Submitted By Brandon Harmon)

  • Not permitted to release ducks into the barracks.