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Archive for May 30th, 2008

Zombie Survival Part 1

Friday, May 30th, 2008

To keep with the zombie theme that Michiel seems to have started, I would like to discuss some zombie survival techniques.

Say you are sitting in your living room, minding your own business, when you happen to notice what appears to be a pack of zombies standing on your front porch. Simply follow these easy steps.

Step 1 – Confirm The Zombie Infestation

Check the date. Is it Halloween? If it is there is an excellent chance that the zombies are merely some kids in make-up, and they want candy. It is generally considered bad form to shoot your neighbor’s children in the brain.

However movies such as CHUD 2, Revenge of The Living Dead, and many others have taught us that sometimes the flesh-hungry damned do rise up to attack during Halloween. And these movies always feature at least one suburban family that get ripped apart because they opened the door to what they foolishly assumed to be trick-or-treaters.

There are generally speaking only three ways to confirm the presence of zombies. The first is to open the door and see if they eat you. There is a rather large and glaring flaw with that test.

The second option for checking for zombies is to ask them.

“Excuse me, are you a zombie?”

If they drool, and reach for you while licking their chops, then its a zombie and you should shoot it in the brain.

If they answer “yes”, then thank them for their honesty and then shoot them in the brain. (But try to do it politely.)

If they tell you that they are not a zombie, then shoot them in the brain anyways. Because everybody knows that zombies are liars.

The third test I like to call “The Test Shot”. Shoot one of them in the leg. If they stay up, and just glare, moan, or scream for you tasty tasty brains, then it is clearly a zombie and you should follow up with a shot to the head.

If on the other hand, they fall to the ground screaming in pain and dropping candy all over, then its just a little kids wearing a costume, and you can go back to watching television. If it falls over dropping candy without the screaming, then congratulations. You just shot a pinata. And what kind of asshole shoots a pinata?