So a few years back the Army decided, in its infinite wisdom, that it had too many Staff Sergeants.
And so, as the Army sometimes does when this happens, it decided to offer incentives to any E-6s that would volunteer to leave the service early. And someone whimsical came up with a rather creative incentive system.
The volunteer could choose any two spots on their body, and an Army medic would measure the distance between them, and award one hundred dollars for every inch.
The morning the program opened, the medic, a Specialist, who had drawn the measuring detail received his first volunteer.
“Alright Sergeant before we get started I am required to ask you what your MOS is, and why you wish to leave the Army.”
“Well Specialist, I’m a mechanic and I was going to ETS next year anyways and I figure I could use the extra money, so why not get out now?”
‘Fair enough Sergeant. Where would you like to be measured?”
“From the tip of my left middle finger to the tip of my right middle finger.”
The specialist took his tape measure, and checked. “Okay Sergeant, you measure at 66 inches, go ahead and take this form to the Captain at the desk outside and he will cut you a check. Please send the next candidate in.”
The second candidate, a tall man, entered and was asked the same question.
“I’m a 25S, which means I work with satellite communications systems. I’m about to get married, which means I could use some extra money. And since civilians with my training make some serious money, I figure that now is a good time to get out and start a family.”
“Fair enough Sergeant, where would you like to be measured?”
“From the bottom of my feet to the top of my head.”
This man was six foot eight, and the Specialist told him so. “That comes to 80 inches, please give this form to the Captain at the desk outside and he’ll take care of your check. Please send the next man in.”
The third NCO walked in, limping badly. He too was asked for his MOS and his reason for leaving the service.
“I’m an 11B, infantry. I have seen too many combat tours, and my Humvee hit an IED a few months ago. I only recently got out of the hospital, and it is only a matter of time before my paperwork catches up with me and I get a medical discharge. So I might as well take the money and run while I can.”
“Sounds like a plan Sergeant. Where would you like me to measure you?”
“From the tip of my penis to the base of my testicles.”
“Did I stutter soldier? I said from the tip of my penis to the base of my testicles.”
“Sergeant, I don’t mean this as an insult to your manhood, but wouldn’t it be a better idea to-”
“I SAID THE TOP OF MY COCK TO THE BACK OF MY SACK TROOPER!” the Sergeant bellowed while dropping his pants, “NOW GET TO IT!”
Feeling awkward, the Specialist got on his knees and gingerly brought the tape measure forward. Taking a quick look, he gasped and jumped back.
“Sergeant! Your balls are missing! Where are they?”
“Fallujah. Now pay up.”