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Archive for February 6th, 2008

SURPRISE!

Wednesday, February 6th, 2008

One of my readers recently sent me an email, wanting some help with a problem. (Cool I’m an advice columnist now!)

Evidently this reader’s husband likes to screw with her mind. (In a good way.) Even while he is deployed overseas, he still manages to get the upper hand. So she would like help in coming up with ways to surprise him.

Because if there’s one thing this site has demonstrated is that I am good at surprising people.

Here are some ideas:

Send him photos of yourself wearing a sexy outfit. But construct the outfit entirely out of food. Bonus points: Use only un-sexy food-stuffs, like pizza, snow crab legs, or chicken McNuggets. Write a long letter to accompany it acting as if this is the most erotic thing a wife has ever done for a husband.

Get every woman you know to start sending him love letters. Creepy ones.

Go buy 101 of some small cheap disposable toy. Identical looking ones. (Erasers, toy cars, whatever) Then number them with a marker. (1 of 101, 2 of 101 ect) Then send them one per day, in numerical order. The first one will mildly confuse him. After the second one he will realize that there are 99 more of these things to come.

Act like he forgot something important, then refuse to tell him what it was. (Guys love that!)

Clown Porn

Send him letters that are responding to questions that he didn’t ask.

Fill his next care package with glitter. Because it’s pretty much impossible to handle loose glitter without becoming very very sparkly.

Tell him you found a woman to have a threesome with him. Send him a picture of a drag queen. One with stubble.

Does anybody else have any suggestions?